Be Strong

I’m finally home and all I need is a solid meal, hot water bottle, painkillers and to not move.

Was craving egg and cheese. I asked my mum if we could stop at shop just before we get home but she gave this sigh like it was the end of the whole fucking world so I said, “Don’t worry, I’m too sore to run in to shop anyway.” I’ve eaten a crunchie and a handful of nuts today.

We get home and mum is deathly silent, rampaging through chores like it’s the end of the world and looking like a thunderstorm. I’m sensitive to energy and hers is angry and ugly right now. I was about to carry laundry to washing machine but she got to it and carried it as I mumbled, “I was just going to do that.” I feel like I’ve pissed her off and I don’t know why. I’m trying to help with chores even though I hurt so much but she’s almost doing it like, “you force me to go home and now you don’t help.”

I look in fridge a few minutes ago, I’m aching, I’m feeling so guilty and like such a shitty person and then there isn’t any cheese or rye bread and the eggs are my brothers. I can’t walk to shop like this, I don’t feel like cooking, I need to eat before I can take my Celebrex.

Now mum knocks and says she’s going to shop to get egg and cheese and rye, do I want anything? So I say no, I don’t think so and then thank you to which she snottily replies, “Well I need to eat lunch too you know.” And something about she doesn’t feel like going to the shop.

What have I done?? I know I was miserable and very snappy, flying off the handle quite quickly since yesterday afternoon. I’m sorry.

I’m’m sorry I don’t know how to deal with this pain and be strong without becoming this horrible bitch. I try carry on and not show too much and that’s how it comes across. I’m not that person. I hate that person. I’m just so scared and so sore but I know everyone thinks I’m making it up to a degree so I try push myself and then become this horrid person. I have no shoulder to cry on, no pet to snuggle, I can’t really afford to see my therapist with R300 in my account until pay day.

I want to get a little dog so badly. To help me live like this. I need to see my therapist to find out how to accept that this is my life. To learn how to ask for help without playing victim. I’ve grown up only getting what I need if I was in victim mode so now I tend to go into that when asking for help. I need to know how to ask without feeling guilty and fucking useless and lazy. I need to accept that I cannot do what everyone else does. That all my ambition and love of yoga and walks and adventure will never be what I want them to be. That I will spend the rest of my life on painkillers and managing my life instead of living it. If I go on hormones I might be in pain constantly, if I go off them I might make it more difficult to have children. If I even can. I will have excruciating herpes outbreaks nearly every 3 weeks when not on hormones as well because my body lacks estrogen and for some reason that makes it worse.

I suppose I’ll feel better after lap surgery when I know what’s going on. Until then I just keep taking it hour by hour, day by day.