…are not a good mixture. I should probably have known this but it’s a clean yoga festival and I keep being told that yoga helps. And I do miss my yoga so so much!
But it seems that physical activity is making it worse not better. Festivals also mean walking a LOT. I had a 20 minute thai massage last night to try relieve the pain in my lower back as I could hardly walk. Was bit better but now just seems to be getting worse the more I walk. I’ve been pretty inactive for this reason but as per normal I berate myself, convince myself I’m just being lazy and then push my body too far.
I’m also trying not to keep taking painkillers but after falling over at my tent due to excruciating pain I took a Celebrex. It makes me bit nauseous but whatever. And that, from an emetophobic, might give an indication of the level of pain.
I wish I could properly convey it to those around me. The only way to describe it is that it feels like a thousand hot needles being repeatedly jabbed into my lower back and hips. The pain then shoots up my spine and into my right leg. Every step is torture and even lying down down it aches so badly. And this 1000 degree weather is seriously not helping!
I can’t do any more yoga classes and I don’t know if I can do another night camping on a thin mattress. I’m getting horribly cranky and bitchy. But I don’t want to ask my mum to leave. We only get to do this once a year.
I hate turning into this horrible bitch. I hate that I find it so hard to suck it up and carry on. I feel like such a baby. I’m going to have to find a way of dealing with this without dragging everyone into my bad moods and self pity. And it is self pity. I don’t want to accept that this will be my life. I don’t want to live like this. It’s not fair! What past life am I being punished for?! This sucks and I hate life right now. I’m finding it hard to find the will to carry on with life right now. I’m one of those ambitious A-types and this…this is killing me. I feel like the biggest failure in the world.