Nothing in Half Measures

I’ve gone all quiet again, dealing with stress and uncertainty my side. And I apologize because this post is definitely not a positive one.

Today I had a scan and it was confirmed that my twins are indeed monoamniotic and monochorionic. They were looking pretty cozy in there actually, a little bit on top of one another and squished. The good news is that they are growing as they should and there are no worries at present. The bad news is MoMo twins mean a horribly high risk pregnancy with far more maternity leave needed and a gazillion more check ups. For someone who isn’t on medical aid and who earns a pittance of a salary this is not good news.

Luckily my partner is starting to play ball after a talk last week where I told him that I’d had enough of his behaviour and that I didn’t want to be with him. I said that obviously he is the father and I won’t cut him out but unless he stopped talking and started actually doing then I am just not interested. I have also been seething with anger at the lies and manipulative behaviour that he displayed in this short time, especially after I’d told him in the beginning that I had been disgustingly betrayed and hurt in the past and would not stand for that treatment again…to which he kept promising that he was nothing like the guys I had dated in the past. Eventually I believed him and started opening up only to be slammed with the same shitty abuse I’ve received before. Luckily I’ve grown stronger and really meant it when I said I wouldn’t put up with it. So I’ve taken a step back and to be honest he has surprised me. In only one week I can see the difference! Let’s hope he keeps it up…it would seriously make me cry with joy.

Right now I am just stressed. Pregnancy is supposedly a time of joy and getting spoiled and decorating the nursery, dreaming of cute little mewling babies. I’m just stressed and tired and over worked. I have no idea how we are going to do this financially when I can barely support myself on my salary and my no company will take me on now. Plus the debate of where the hell I am going to live because living with my mum means three flights of stairs to top floor flat and babies waking her up too when she has to work etc. And we were looking at selling but no point because we couldn’t afford much more than a shed on the money we’d get out after tax and agent deductions etc. and neither of us has any spare money for a bond. If we could even get one in the first place. So then I might move in with my grandmother who has a ground floor two bedroom flat and she could help with babies. But I don’t know how she feels about that. She didn’t seem too impressed with any of this being imposed upon her and I guess it isn’t her responsibility at all really.
Then I find out it’s momo twins and we’re not on medical aid, and there are only two government hospitals that deal with this, luckily one of them is right near my partner so at least we fall into the catchment area. But this means driving an hour every two weeks to go for a scan and to see the doctor. And then if I’m admitted at 28 weeks I’m away from all my friends and family. I can only give birth by c-section so no more dreams of au natural. And babies will be prem…anywhere from 28 – 34 weeks…so the hopes of having them put straight on my chest might be just more pipe dreams. And I won’t get any one doctor looking after me because we get whatever doctor is on duty on any given day. Being admitted so early also means I need a shit ton more maternity leave which I can guarantee my boss won’t be paying me for because he’s a stingy asshole of epic proportions and is currently fighting me on R650 for half the maintenance on my car (recent repair) which he agreed to pay in the beginning because he refused to pay me petrol per km. Oh and then I need a new car because I have a teeny 3 door right now which won’t work. So now I have to spend more money I don’t have on getting a more reliable 4 door. And we need car seats. And I have my heart set on this incredibly Double Trouble pram with car seats but it’s expensive and we’re trying to track down a second hand one but they’re also not that common in this country. Actually not much is helpful in this country…which just relates back to my rant on how shitty the quality of life is here.

I am aching from head to toe. My back is so sore I’ve had a headache for three days which creeps up my neck and makes my eyes ache. I’m not sleeping properly. I’m running around like a mad person trying to get things figured out…applying for online jobs, taking on more work for my boss at no extra pay, but hoping the slaving will mean more money next year and a secure position. Because the munchkin I look after is going to high school next year so they don’t really need me much as a nanny any more, so I’ve started doing PA work for the mom’s home run business.

Anyway, I need to lie down. My head is killing me and I keep trying to convince myself that I am not such the worst person in the world for hoping one of the twins doesn’t make it because I am just stressed. I don’t know if I’ve made the right decision…I may be punishing these beautiful babies by bringing them into a life of poverty and stress instead of just terminating like any logical person would do. And in this all I can’t help looking up at whatever higher power is up there and crying: When will you give me a fucking break. I get given this miracle after being told I can’t have children and then I get handed two…and one of the most high risk, complicated types of twin pregnancies on top of that. And I can’t help thinking that my life has just been a constant torrential downpour of life lessons, drama and bad luck. I wonder how different things would be if my mum had had that abortion she nearly had when I was still in early stages.

Funny what stress does to us.

Why I Hate my Country: A Stressed Rant

I know that is a horrible title and I should be proud to be South African because it’s so beautiful here and so free and entrepreneurial opportunities are abound due to our thriving, developing economy…but it actually fucking sucks.

I hate this place. Even now, I am house sitting and am forced to listen to the township down the road playing some shitty music and making a huge noise because it is clearly impossible for them to do anything in a manner that doesn’t including screaming at one another across streets and pumping music so that it disrupts everyone within a 20 kilometer radius.

But that aside, the real reason I am so fed up yet again is because I have been reading up on monochorionic monoamniotic twins (MoMo twins) and most of the info has obviously been from the states or from the UK. So I decided I really needed to find support groups here and perhaps find which hospitals offer the very special care that is needed, or even where I can find a perinatologist that has an interest in the rare MoMo twin phenomenon and might want to help at a government facility (because there is no way I can afford private care when salaries don’t even begin to cover basic living).

I cannot find a single support group. In fact, I can’t find much on Google at all. Or Facebook.

I can’t really find any information on MoMo twins in this country at all. Nothing about care, or specialists or survival rates…nothing.

I cannot find a perinatologist. There is so little that comes up on Google that after about 4 articles it actually starts posting stuff from the UK and some specialist place in Florida. I did find an article that said there actually are no official perinatologist in South Africa AT ALL. Comforting.

And to pour salt in the wound, I called the place where I had my scan last week and asked what the criteria was to be transferred to this other government hospital which is a specialist maternity hospital as opposed to the place they actually referred me to. Because hospital G, where they have referred me, is known for it’s shocking maternity ward whereas hospital M is known for it’s dealings with complicated pregnancies and is a specialist maternity hospital. But of course, the hospital has a catchment area…can we note that the areas are all for lower income coloured and black people. So because I am white I am expected:  A) to be well off and go get private care B) to receive second or even third rate care because I cannot afford private.
And please don’t get me wrong with my above writing, I think WE ALL deserve equal care, and that includes me as a white, low income female in this country. I am currently working two jobs and running my housesitting business…that means a 6 day week and plenty of exhaustion but still not enough to support twins on my own. And if I as a white female move to one of these areas where property and everything is so much cheaper, I would be picked out, robbed, raped, bullied. So yes, welcome to our beautiful fucking country.

A place where medical care is so fucking abysmal that most doctors I saw didn’t even know what endometriosis was and now it seems that these twins are just another bloody anomaly. A place where I am totally unsupported as a mother with low income and chronic illness (low income due to chronic illness). A place where working three jobs is the norm just to try make ends meet. I have numerous friends who work either a few jobs or incredibly long hours just to have some decent kind of life and most of us from 24 – 28 still live at home because we can’t afford to move out. And mostly because we couldn’t afford university or student loans and so were not able to get a degree. My dad was still paying off my high school fees about 4 years after I’d finished school.

And I looked at going to the UK because of better medical care and schooling and income/expenses ratio. Plus my uncle lives there with his wife, and both my adult cousins plus a few friends live scattered around there too. I was applying for my British passport before I found out I was pregnant. But how am I supposed to go there as a woman who is already starting her second trimester in a complicated pregnancy (no one will take me on for work at this point) and no where to stay and no support there. My whole support system is here. My jobs are here and my boss has been kind enough to start training me in new stuff so that I can earn a bit more and also still have a job next year when her kid won’t need me as a nanny so much any more.

I haven’t been this negative all along. In fact since the initial shock of finding out I’m carrying twins, I’ve been super positive and gogogo and feeling powerful. But the more research I did the more despondent I got. And after two weeks of working 6 days plus looking up so much information to try and get my head wrapped around how to manage this pregnancy because I can’t afford to see a private OBGYN for all this (I’m just waiting until next scan is done so I can start trying to fight for the right government care and then get an OBGYN via the hospital) and my 21 year old partner still only bar tending on weekends…I swear to god I have never met anyone his age who struggled so much in finding a fucking waitering job. I don’t know how, in 3 months, he hasn’t found ANYTHING else if he’s been looking as hard as he says he has. Anyway, so I’m pretty much looking at doing this on my own because heaven knows when he’ll be able to help. And then looking at moving because my mum and I need a ground floor and preferably stand alone HOME not a third story, noise filled flat….but the flat isn’t even ours. It belongs to my gran who is getting all touchy about HER money and selling. And even if we sold, by the time all the extra costs come off I don’t think we’ll have enough to afford anything else big enough. I can’t get my own space because I don’t earn enough to pay rent for myself never mind rent and raising two kids. Omg this is such a mess. What the actual fuck am I doing…how am I going to do this…I feel so utterly overwhelmed and alone. And I’m getting flu.

I think I need a gentle bath. And a stern self-talk. I wasn’t supposed to be able to have kids naturally and somehow I ended up pregnant. Not only pregnant but with a set of twins that only happen to around 1% of the entire population. I’m sorry for spitting in the face of this miracle. Today has just not been a good day. Tomorrow will be better.


Yesterday I got dressed and my mum, partner and I drove off in a car full of excitement and nerves to my very first scan. From my confirmation scan dating I was somewhere around 11 – 12 weeks and this meant time to meet baby🙂

In all honesty my partner and I couldn’t wait to see the little creature; I was dying to hear it’s heartbeat and see it’s actual little body and be comforted in knowing my baby is okay. It’s one thing mentally knowing you’re pregnant and feeling bloody awful ALL THE TIME and so exhausted you wish you were a bear hibernating through the winter instead, but it’s quite another to SEE the proof…to see and hear that you really are growing this little human inside and that he/she has all ten fingers and toes and a decent sized noggin.

We all filed into the little room and I lay down, waited in anticipation as the sonographer applied the icy jelly and got everything ready. You could almost hear the deafening collective holding of breath…the sonographer placed the transducer on my belly and suddenly goes, “OH! There’s two!”…

Yes…two!!! And one placenta. Identical twins and she seemed to think that they are girls. She couldn’t find a membrane so is concerned that they share an amniotic sac as well. So now I have to go to the hospital and have another scan with better equipment so they can assess whether there are one or two sacs and if there are any other risk factors. This also means no home birthing as twins sharing a placenta are considered higher risk and I’ll need to be monitored quite closely. At least they’re more than likely girls😛

I don’t really know how I feel about all of this just yet besides shocked. I actually just keep laughing because life has never handed me anything in half measures and this is just the cherry on the top. I was already stressing about finances for one child but had made my peace and figured that things would work out because I have an epic support system and I’m actually a lot tougher than I feel most days. But two? How on earth am I going to support two babies!? And I have chronic illness. And my partner is young and works as a waiter. And I still live at home. And I live in South Africa where it’s hard enough to support oneself due to everything costing so bloody much. I’ve actually taken on an extra job, mostly weekends and sometimes in the mornings before I au pair. And I have started doing some more PA type work for my au pair boss as well. And I am pushing my house sitting a bit more. I’m exhausted already but I feel like if I don’t put in the work now then it will be harder later. I have about 6 months to work my backside off and lay some kind of foundation. I’m terrified.

But yet there is this excitement and wonder because I saw them. I heard their little heartbeats and I saw them wriggling around, waving teeny arms and legs around. Down’s risk is very low (phew) and both babies are healthy. I am also 13 weeks as of today apparently. And actually since last week have had a bit more energy! At least now I also know why I have been SO utterly sick and exhausted and hormonal…growing two babies instead of one.

Okay, I am done with work and need to lock up now. My partner is at home running me a bath (YES!) and I am looking forward to just resting tonight…and discussing all of this so we can make some plans and look at budgets.

Wish me luck!



Week 10 or 12

So I’m somewhere between week 10 and 12 of this pregnancy. Thank heavens I have a scan this Saturday so I can finally get some correct dating going on. Problem with having endometriosis and polycystic ovaries is that my cycle is a bit all over the place…so if we take it from my last period, I’d be closer to 12 weeks, but if we take it from the confirmation scan I had where I was told I was about 5 weeks, then I’d be closer to 10 weeks now…

Wow, that was boring to type. I am so sorry you had to read that. I swear I am not turning into one of “those” women😛 sigh…actually think it’s inevitable. Once this baby came into being it’s all my life is about (and I get told it won’t change).
Pregnancy vitamins, scheduled check ups, meeting midwives, checking finances, checking finances again, taking on another job, reading books on pregnancy (I get credit for choosing humorous and hippy type books here…no “what to expect when you’re expecting” just yet), trawling online sites for sales on baby stuff, talking to other women about babies, freaking out about the responsibility of a baby, freaking out about expired Gaviscon and sitting in a pathetic heap on the floor sobbing a puddle of tears and wondering when the nausea and tremors and hormone surges are going to go away so I can resemble some kind of normal adult human again.

I had my mother pick me up off the floor and kindly remind me that I am going to be tired for the next few years of my life but that I am indeed strong enough, as many many women have been strong enough before me, I just need to find that strength and push on. Also I need to focus energy on me now. I’ve been so busy focusing on my partner and our relationship and how it’s a fucking mess…excuse the french but it’s beyond just a mess. There were still little lies that I uncovered after talking to his mother (we get along amazingly well) and I really don’t believe a word that comes out his mouth anymore. In fact, I said to him I have no idea who he even is because at this point there have been so many lies that I don’t know which parts of his story are true and which are bullshit. Stupid  lies too, like having pins and metal  plates in his knees, or having climbed Kilimanjaro (believable as he did get colours for adventure racing)…and not only did he lie to me but he told these lies to my family at a supper last month. And I’ve heard him tell my friends. It’s like a bunch of rehearsed stories he tells over and over again. Anyway, I told him that this week I want no contact with him. He can take this week and think about who he is and if he likes this person he has become. I told him that he can come over on Friday and a few things will happen…
1) He will confess all the lies (I’m trusting him to do this) and start on a totally clean slate
2) He will tell me how he plans to work on this pathological lying bullshit and also his manipulative/teenage behaviour…whether he sees a therapist or reads books or whatever. I said he can also tell me how/if I can help because I am willing to work with him if I see he is actually making an effort to change.
3) I warned him that if, after this talk and clean slate, I find out that he has lied to me again, I will literally just walk away. The same applies for his manipulative behaviour. I will take this baby and I will go without so much as saying goodbye. And he will contribute financially whether I have to take him to court or not. I will be more than capable of not allowing him to see the child because he is a danger in terms of pathological behaviour and the emotional trauma he has caused so far in this pregnancy. Granted this is the extreme version but I have to prepare for worst case scenario.

So now I just feel angry and frustrated again. I cannot for the life of me fathom WHY I fell pregnant now and WHY with him!!! I know there is always a greater plan but right now I fail to understand…in all my long term relationships over the years, in my reckless late teens…for all the doctors saying that with endo and PCO falling pregnant would be a struggle…and here I sit.

It’s not all doom and gloom though. I am excited…I am overwhelmed in a good way by all the amazing changes in my body, by that fact that my body is creating a whole new little human even though it isn’t very strong and I have struggled with chronic illness most of my life. I am in awe actually. And I get excited thinking about welcoming this little being into the world, about being able to teach her/him, seeing the world through her/his eyes and also learning all over again, sharing unconditional love, decorating the nursery…

So anyway, still getting quite motion sick typing and reading on screens, so I’m going to go now. Excited for my scan; to finally get to see this little human and hear it’s heartbeat❤
I guess like any mom-to-be it’s unnerving having all these weeks of feeling wretched but not actually having seen or heard that everything is okay!

Sickness and Problem Solving

I’ve been a bit quiet because any longer than half an hour on any device seems to leave me motion sick as all hell and shaky.

Following up on the repeated patterns post…seems my partner may just be exhibiting behaviours he learned from his step mom. I spoke to him and he has really been trying. I can actually see how he assess his reactions and how he tries to keep me calm or is learning to not make snarky remarks etc. I think he woke up a bit once I’d said to him that I am quite capable of doing this alone and that if he doesn’t jack up his behaviour and start acting like an adult then I will cut him out. He actually seems excited now. And he even asked me if we could officially announce it after my scan at the end of this month. I will be about 12/13 weeks then so it seems a good time to do it. And I was utterly surprised because up until recently he has just wanted to keep it hush hush, like doing so would make it go away. SO at least he is embracing all this and is trying to correct those nasty behaviours. I guess it also shows how much stronger I have become over the years. And trust me, I know I am n angel with all these hormones raging but I also know that is NO excuse to yell at me or make nasty comments.

Well I was planning on updating more but just this has my stomach reeling and I feel like I want to pass out. One good piece of news, quickly, is that I can finally get in some healthier foods without wanting to throw them back up! Oh it’s the small things in life.

Back to lying down in bed for a bit. I’ll have to try again tomorrow…

Repeated Patterns

I may have done it again. I may have found myself dating another sociopath type…seriously, how do I do it. Energetically I cannot think of a single reason why I would attract another relationship like this, and then fall pregnant with his kid to top it all off. Especially when I was told I would find it difficult to have children naturally. So why this one. Why now.

It was great in the beginning. I kept him at arms length after all the hurt and broken trust I’ve been through. I made him work for it. And eventually I started opening up, seeing this wonderful human being in front of me. And then things started going south. He’d say things and my gut would knot slightly in that “something doesn’t add up” kind of way. Then I caught him out on some seriously blatant lies (which I spoke about in previous posts) and when I eventually confronted him and said enough, he first ignored me, then went into victim mode and then got all manipulative and even smiled at me and made some sly comment. Thinking back, it was such typical sociopath behaviour because at the end of it all we never even argued about the topic that I had originally wanted to discuss. And then the apology came (after I completely flipped my lid and triggered into borderline mode) and we chatted and agreed it wouldn’t happen again. But now obviously I feel unsafe and I don’t trust him.

So I put my walls up and I stay in bitch mode a lot. The other day we had a family supper and my partner was invited. A few days later when I was talking to my mum about his behaviours and moaning about the fact that I was having to clean up after him (empty yoghurt container in kitchen, dirty jam knife left out, dishes piling up, etc) she said she is worried about me saying he lies because at the supper she picked up something…no matter what someone had done, he had had it happen to him but worse: “Oh you hurt your knee, I had both of mine totally buggered. Oh you dislocated your shoulder, I dislocated both of mine.”
I was feeling very nauseous that night and checked out of the conversation quite a bit so never picked up on it completely, but I absolutely remember him and my brother talking about injuries and thinking that he sounded a bit like he was boasting.

Basically, we argue every day. He’s still looking for a job and today he was using my old laptop, sitting next to me as I work. He looks for a few minutes and applies for one job then goes on to Facebook and not only that but he then wants to show me all these pictures and videos which are completely irrelevant to the task at hand. I tell him I need to concentrate and finish my work. He huffs and puffs a bit like I’m being rude. Then he looks at another job and half fills in the application before picking up his phone and opening a game. The volume was distracting me and I looked over and commented on the fact that playing games was not exactly looking for a job. He got so upset with me. Granted I fought back and told him how half looking for a job is not okay, and you finish your important task and then you reward yourself. Like myself, sitting here setting up for my next pub quiz and I feel nauseous as all hell and just want to rest and my phone has pinged a few times next to me, but I carry on until I am done and then I can rest and check my messages and go on Facebook etc. I said that he needs to find a job and that sitting on Facebook and playing games on his phone is not going to get him anywhere. So he snarkily looks at me and says, well setting quiz won’t get you anywhere in life. I swear to god I nearly reached over and slapped the fuck out of his smug face. I have successfully run this little business since 2012. I used to host quizzes at multiple venues and ran charity quizzes and special events quizzes. I cut it down to one venue and now just do it for the fun and some extra cash….because my other work (nanny work and my housesitting business which I have just expanded plus my writing work) keeps me busy and I felt I was spreading myself too thin.

So what the actual fuck. And it turns into this argument where I don’t even know what we’re arguing about really but he’s pointing fingers and then slams my laptop shut and says fine, he’ll just play games then because that’s what I say he’s always doing. Did I? Really…how the fuck did he glean that? And how very very mature of him. Yes, well done. I definitely want you to stay and be a part of our child’s life.

Talking about that, this constant state of stress is really worrying me (haha, vicious circle much) because of baby. I hear it is best to stay calm and rest and such but I’m just always in fight or flight mode, waiting for him to lie or laze around or throw something back at me. He says he’s in this with me but so far I have seen little in terms of concrete action. He makes me food and goes to the shops, he feeds the animals at this housesit and he walked the dogs three times. And I appreciate it, trust me I do! I don’t know how I’d have managed all these animals without him. But yesterday he bitched because I woke him up to ask if he could please let the maid in as I couldn’t get up (I had also just woken up and I tend to want to throw up or faint if I just jump up) and then bitched because I “wouldn’t let him sleep” when he got back because I was eating some salt and vinegar popcorn and green apple and then because I had asked if he would go to the shops when they opened at 9am because there was no electricity left and the maid couldn’t do anything until there was, and there wasn’t a single ply of toilet paper to be found in the whole house. I had managed to get up slowly to go pee, feed that cats and then make myself some weetbix and ended up sitting on the kitchen floor shaking like a leaf and feeling sick and light headed. I climbed back in to bed with said weetbix and that’s when I asked him to go get electricity. I actually got so tired of it that I just got up myself, I chucked on my jacket and boots and said I’d go myself so that I didn’t inconvenience him and he could stay in bed and get his precious sleep (it was now about 9:15am by the way). He shouted a few times saying I’m being ridiculous and to come back because he’ll go and I was just like, too late buddy. You clearly feel you had too much to do this morning, so don’t sweat it. So I went to the shops and I came back and I unpacked the few items and I put in the electricity and I dragged myself up the stairs and collapsed on the bed after it all. I was then too tired to do anything so tried to watch some series but had stuff I needed to get done so I did work on my laptop, setting up adverts and looking over some writing I am busy with and transferring files from my old laptop to this new one and emailing a few people back…

And he watched TV downstairs.

Last night we had another fight because he had lied to me and then done something a tad petty and spiteful, which he denied and then after arguing for a while admitted. Which just made me angrier because WHY DENY IT when I said it was bullshit and then we fight unnecessarily and THEN he admits it which leads to me getting more cross and pushing him away further because SURPRISE…he lied to me, AGAIN.

So I said to him that at the end of this house sit (he has to cover a few days when I am double booked) he can go home and we can try dating again. Like it was. Where he will have a chance to show me he isn’t this lying, manipulative person he suddenly seems to be acting as. I don’t know if this will work. I have no time for this bullshit. I’ve been here, I know these types. So if it really is who is then I’ll raise this kid alone…but it also freaks me out because I worry that this child will be like that. Will this child carry those parts of him?? I’m aware that I could pass on my endometriosis and depression etc. as well but at least I know who I am and I could identify those. I don’t know who my partner is and with his lies I don’t really know if I’ll ever find out. I only met him in March! This pregnancy put a gigantic fucking spanner in the works.

I’m so unhappy right now. I’m so scared. Unsafe and worried. Worried that he’s just like the patterns from the past. I don’t know why I haven’t walked away yet. When he leaves on Sunday I will be happy to have my own space and let him get on with his life. Find a job, work and save some money towards the baby. Sort his shit out. And if he wants to be with me he can be the person I first started getting to know, because that’s the person I want in my life. Not this lying, irresponsible, manipulative child I am now dealing with.

Food Humour

I found this article after Googling about junk food and pregnancy. I can pretty much only stomach junk food and it’s worrying me because I’m pretty sure (besides the ridiculous weight gain) all the sugar, salt, preservatives, etc. are really not doing my poor squishy any good! I have shoveled copious amounts of plain salted and salt and vinegar lays down my throat…in actual fact, it’s the first thing I eat before getting out of bed. Then it’s been apricot jam swiss rolls, apricot jam donuts, McFlurries (oreo and caramel please!), ice cream cones with flakes, cheese rolls, scrambled egg lathered in salt and tomato sauce, cheesey pasta, cheesy anything really, pies…and thank gawd…ice cold water!

And to think, 4 weeks ago I was still eating clean and junk food made me sick. Quite the opposite now. I’m even struggling to take my vitamins. Omw and the craving for watermelon and mango is very very real! But it’s winter here and neither of those are anywhere to be found… *cries hysterically*

Crying over food is a legit thing in these times.

Ok here’s the link, enough of my babbling: The Amazing Allure of Junk Food During Pregnancy


The Verdict

And a decision has been made. I think from my previous posts it might have already shown but I have decided to go through with this pregnancy. GASP…I think I feel a little shock of terror and simultaneous excitement run through me every time I say or think that!

I finally decided after days and days of mulling over how I would make it work financially. My partner is currently unemployed and 21. I do not earn an amazing salary but luckily I do supplement it with my other little businesses. All I’ve wanted for ages is to make a living off writing. I had a poem published at 12, wrote my first song, wrote a novel up to page 86 in middle school, have guest written for a few blogs and have even provided or edited content for a website or two. So I started looking in to copywriter courses. I’d have to do something online or part time and it seems those are in short supply in this country…as with everything else. But there is a course starting next year, I just don’t think a newborn and studying go hand in hand somehow. Perhaps my support system could help out.

The main thing here is I am going to make it work. I want to do this. I was told I might not even have children…if I have a termination not only will it rip me apart emotionally but if I then cannot have another child I will live with that for the rest of my life too. So, I think at 28 I am big enough and ugly enough to deal with this. And I’m rather motivated by this little unborn human already. Exciting yet scary times.

Anyway, I feel sick as hell and I’m utterly exhausted plus I have a full day of nanny duties for the rest of the week as it is school holidays. Just wanted to share the news🙂

Good night x

How to Cure Morning Sickness

You can’t.
And if I have to read another glib article that tells me to nibble crackers before I get out of bed and to “sip slowly on aromatic ginger tea to help ease the nausea” I may actually throw up. Nausea really doesn’t explain the feeling. It’s more like being constantly sea sick.

And. Nothing. Helps. Except giving in to the odd cravings of the one or two foods that don’t make you want to gag at the thought and then praying you can keep even that down. I’m aware that not all women suffer from bad morning sickness (so inappropriately named because it has become my new state of existence) and boy do I envy you! No really, I suffer from emetophobia, a severe and irrational fear of throwing up. I tried hypnotherapy for it once and it triggered my anorexia so I kind of left it at that. But now I’m being smacked in the face with the phobia every single day and it’s terrifying me. And then I worry about the anxiety because I know anxious mommies affect the growing baby.

Anyway, so my point is actually the annoying advice on ‘curing’ morning sickness. So far I’m kind of learning to navigate it and what helps ease it a bit. For me it’s getting out of bed reaaally slowly in the mornings. I tried getting up like I used to and it knocked me heavily. I then make a small plate of random bites of all sorts of things to nibble because I never know what will work. Then it’s back to bed to try function and get something into my stomach. Throughout the day I have to literally nibble whatever it is my body accepts. Sometimes I can actually eat a full meal, like this afternoon when I just wanted scrambled eggs with tomato sauce on toast. After that it went down hill a bit. The things that seem to help most are smooth fruit flavoured yoghurts, frozen grapes, ice cold water, cheese things (on toast, on a cracker, on pizza…depends on my stomach), ice cream, sugary drinks.

So as this is clearly not a one size fits all thing, I’d be really interested to hear from others, what worked/works for you? How did you manage your every day routine?

I’m off to lie down and watch a movie with my partner.
Good night x


Today’s grocery list hooked…no wait…(brain soaking in a quagmire of hormones and phone loves autocorrect) LOOKED like this today:

Orange juice ice cube

Half a piece of raisin bread (toasted with butter)

A crisp bread cracker

Half a cup whole wheat Pronutro

Another cracker with some Gouda cheese

A hot chocolate

A caramel and oreo McFlurry

A cracker with cheese and smoked chicken, 3 tomato slices, 2 cucumber slices, 2 black olives

Few sips ginger beer

A small packet of niknaks…also a few bites of plain salted chips and salt & vinegar because I wasn’t sure which one I was craving. Probably all three blended into soup.



I’m going to turn into a mammoth…except I actually shaved my legs today so perhaps just a hairless mammoth. Should’ve seen me trying to find clothes to wear to work today…it was not pretty. My wtf faces were out in full force.