Week 10 or 12

So I’m somewhere between week 10 and 12 of this pregnancy. Thank heavens I have a scan this Saturday so I can finally get some correct dating going on. Problem with having endometriosis and polycystic ovaries is that my cycle is a bit all over the place…so if we take it from my last period, I’d be closer to 12 weeks, but if we take it from the confirmation scan I had where I was told I was about 5 weeks, then I’d be closer to 10 weeks now…

Wow, that was boring to type. I am so sorry you had to read that. I swear I am not turning into one of “those” women 😛 sigh…actually think it’s inevitable. Once this baby came into being it’s all my life is about (and I get told it won’t change).
Pregnancy vitamins, scheduled check ups, meeting midwives, checking finances, checking finances again, taking on another job, reading books on pregnancy (I get credit for choosing humorous and hippy type books here…no “what to expect when you’re expecting” just yet), trawling online sites for sales on baby stuff, talking to other women about babies, freaking out about the responsibility of a baby, freaking out about expired Gaviscon and sitting in a pathetic heap on the floor sobbing a puddle of tears and wondering when the nausea and tremors and hormone surges are going to go away so I can resemble some kind of normal adult human again.

I had my mother pick me up off the floor and kindly remind me that I am going to be tired for the next few years of my life but that I am indeed strong enough, as many many women have been strong enough before me, I just need to find that strength and push on. Also I need to focus energy on me now. I’ve been so busy focusing on my partner and our relationship and how it’s a fucking mess…excuse the french but it’s beyond just a mess. There were still little lies that I uncovered after talking to his mother (we get along amazingly well) and I really don’t believe a word that comes out his mouth anymore. In fact, I said to him I have no idea who he even is because at this point there have been so many lies that I don’t know which parts of his story are true and which are bullshit. Stupid  lies too, like having pins and metal  plates in his knees, or having climbed Kilimanjaro (believable as he did get colours for adventure racing)…and not only did he lie to me but he told these lies to my family at a supper last month. And I’ve heard him tell my friends. It’s like a bunch of rehearsed stories he tells over and over again. Anyway, I told him that this week I want no contact with him. He can take this week and think about who he is and if he likes this person he has become. I told him that he can come over on Friday and a few things will happen…
1) He will confess all the lies (I’m trusting him to do this) and start on a totally clean slate
2) He will tell me how he plans to work on this pathological lying bullshit and also his manipulative/teenage behaviour…whether he sees a therapist or reads books or whatever. I said he can also tell me how/if I can help because I am willing to work with him if I see he is actually making an effort to change.
3) I warned him that if, after this talk and clean slate, I find out that he has lied to me again, I will literally just walk away. The same applies for his manipulative behaviour. I will take this baby and I will go without so much as saying goodbye. And he will contribute financially whether I have to take him to court or not. I will be more than capable of not allowing him to see the child because he is a danger in terms of pathological behaviour and the emotional trauma he has caused so far in this pregnancy. Granted this is the extreme version but I have to prepare for worst case scenario.

So now I just feel angry and frustrated again. I cannot for the life of me fathom WHY I fell pregnant now and WHY with him!!! I know there is always a greater plan but right now I fail to understand…in all my long term relationships over the years, in my reckless late teens…for all the doctors saying that with endo and PCO falling pregnant would be a struggle…and here I sit.

It’s not all doom and gloom though. I am excited…I am overwhelmed in a good way by all the amazing changes in my body, by that fact that my body is creating a whole new little human even though it isn’t very strong and I have struggled with chronic illness most of my life. I am in awe actually. And I get excited thinking about welcoming this little being into the world, about being able to teach her/him, seeing the world through her/his eyes and also learning all over again, sharing unconditional love, decorating the nursery…

So anyway, still getting quite motion sick typing and reading on screens, so I’m going to go now. Excited for my scan; to finally get to see this little human and hear it’s heartbeat ❤
I guess like any mom-to-be it’s unnerving having all these weeks of feeling wretched but not actually having seen or heard that everything is okay!


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