Nothing in Half Measures

I’ve gone all quiet again, dealing with stress and uncertainty my side. And I apologize because this post is definitely not a positive one.

Today I had a scan and it was confirmed that my twins are indeed monoamniotic and monochorionic. They were looking pretty cozy in there actually, a little bit on top of one another and squished. The good news is that they are growing as they should and there are no worries at present. The bad news is MoMo twins mean a horribly high risk pregnancy with far more maternity leave needed and a gazillion more check ups. For someone who isn’t on medical aid and who earns a pittance of a salary this is not good news.

Luckily my partner is starting to play ball after a talk last week where I told him that I’d had enough of his behaviour and that I didn’t want to be with him. I said that obviously he is the father and I won’t cut him out but unless he stopped talking and started actually doing then I am just not interested. I have also been seething with anger at the lies and manipulative behaviour that he displayed in this short time, especially after I’d told him in the beginning that I had been disgustingly betrayed and hurt in the past and would not stand for that treatment again…to which he kept promising that he was nothing like the guys I had dated in the past. Eventually I believed him and started opening up only to be slammed with the same shitty abuse I’ve received before. Luckily I’ve grown stronger and really meant it when I said I wouldn’t put up with it. So I’ve taken a step back and to be honest he has surprised me. In only one week I can see the difference! Let’s hope he keeps it up…it would seriously make me cry with joy.

Right now I am just stressed. Pregnancy is supposedly a time of joy and getting spoiled and decorating the nursery, dreaming of cute little mewling babies. I’m just stressed and tired and over worked. I have no idea how we are going to do this financially when I can barely support myself on my salary and my no company will take me on now. Plus the debate of where the hell I am going to live because living with my mum means three flights of stairs to top floor flat and babies waking her up too when she has to work etc. And we were looking at selling but no point because we couldn’t afford much more than a shed on the money we’d get out after tax and agent deductions etc. and neither of us has any spare money for a bond. If we could even get one in the first place. So then I might move in with my grandmother who has a ground floor two bedroom flat and she could help with babies. But I don’t know how she feels about that. She didn’t seem too impressed with any of this being imposed upon her and I guess it isn’t her responsibility at all really.
Then I find out it’s momo twins and we’re not on medical aid, and there are only two government hospitals that deal with this, luckily one of them is right near my partner so at least we fall into the catchment area. But this means driving an hour every two weeks to go for a scan and to see the doctor. And then if I’m admitted at 28 weeks I’m away from all my friends and family. I can only give birth by c-section so no more dreams of au natural. And babies will be prem…anywhere from 28 – 34 weeks…so the hopes of having them put straight on my chest might be just more pipe dreams. And I won’t get any one doctor looking after me because we get whatever doctor is on duty on any given day. Being admitted so early also means I need a shit ton more maternity leave which I can guarantee my boss won’t be paying me for because he’s a stingy asshole of epic proportions and is currently fighting me on R650 for half the maintenance on my car (recent repair) which he agreed to pay in the beginning because he refused to pay me petrol per km. Oh and then I need a new car because I have a teeny 3 door right now which won’t work. So now I have to spend more money I don’t have on getting a more reliable 4 door. And we need car seats. And I have my heart set on this incredibly Double Trouble pram with car seats but it’s expensive and we’re trying to track down a second hand one but they’re also not that common in this country. Actually not much is helpful in this country…which just relates back to my rant on how shitty the quality of life is here.

I am aching from head to toe. My back is so sore I’ve had a headache for three days which creeps up my neck and makes my eyes ache. I’m not sleeping properly. I’m running around like a mad person trying to get things figured out…applying for online jobs, taking on more work for my boss at no extra pay, but hoping the slaving will mean more money next year and a secure position. Because the munchkin I look after is going to high school next year so they don’t really need me much as a nanny any more, so I’ve started doing PA work for the mom’s home run business.

Anyway, I need to lie down. My head is killing me and I keep trying to convince myself that I am not such the worst person in the world for hoping one of the twins doesn’t make it because I am just stressed. I don’t know if I’ve made the right decision…I may be punishing these beautiful babies by bringing them into a life of poverty and stress instead of just terminating like any logical person would do. And in this all I can’t help looking up at whatever higher power is up there and crying: When will you give me a fucking break. I get given this miracle after being told I can’t have children and then I get handed two…and one of the most high risk, complicated types of twin pregnancies on top of that. And I can’t help thinking that my life has just been a constant torrential downpour of life lessons, drama and bad luck. I wonder how different things would be if my mum had had that abortion she nearly had when I was still in early stages.

Funny what stress does to us.


2 thoughts on “Nothing in Half Measures

  1. I’m so sorry that you’re going through such a difficult time. Life is way too hard. I can relate to feeling like it’s just one bad thing after another. When the hell will life give us a break? It’s exhausting. Sending you a hug.

  2. I have not read your previous post, I will go to it right after this.

    Let me tell you. Pregnancy, specially the first baby (babies) is stressful, because is uncertain. The reason why you need constant check ups is because your body is hosting a life (lives) and you are in danger. You subconsciously know that, your body can feel the danger, and the extra work your whole anatomy has been given is the cause of the pains, and the tiredness.

    And we are working moms, we have to deal with all that and pay bills, and prepare for the big arrival. But girl, it will never be enough. We love this unborn creatures with every hair, and we always think they deserve more, and they do, but when your children are born, there is only one thing they will need: YOU. Car seats, strollers, cradles, they are stuff your babies will indeed need, but not more than their mother. Want to hear something funny? Momo (I call my son Momo, coincidentally) never sleep in the cradle my sister gave it to me with so much love when she saw that I didn’t have one a week before his birth. He wanted to sleep with me. To this day, 3 and a half years after I am struggling to get him to sleep on his own, which is bad for some people, but whatever, I love sleeping next to my little thing every night! You will buy them toys they will play with the box, and the Styrofoam, and sticks, and leaves, and throw the toys out the windows…

    Basically what I am trying to say is the material stuff is a source of stress, it will forever be. Dont let the stress drain your energy and your positivism…

    One thing that you might want to learn about before you go through it, because nobody told me, and it surprised me in a real bad way…

    I am obese, and I became even fatter with my pregnancy so I needed a c-section. No baby placed in my chest, no warm and fussy feeling of accomplishment when the baby is out. I heard him cry, but I was refused to see him even.. that is how disconnected from joy of his birth I was. In a cold room, numbed, not allowed to see or touch my baby, not allowed to hold him even after I was place in the room, because of… god knows…

    Also if you decide to breastfeed your babies might need to be formula fed for the next 2 days after your c-section until anesthesia washes out. It was so painful to me not to be able to breastfeed… and then breastfeeding was sooooooo painful too!!! Nobody told me how mind blowing painful it is! But you have to be strong for those little humans because after all this bad moments, the stress, the money shortage, the pain, the toll on your money, the revolution on your life… IT IS WORTH IT!

    Sorry for the book… If 2 words of all I wrote comfort you I will be happy.

    Big kiss from the Dominican Republic!

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