I may have done it again. I may have found myself dating another sociopath type…seriously, how do I do it. Energetically I cannot think of a single reason why I would attract another relationship like this, and then fall pregnant with his kid to top it all off. Especially when I was told I would find it difficult to have children naturally. So why this one. Why now.
It was great in the beginning. I kept him at arms length after all the hurt and broken trust I’ve been through. I made him work for it. And eventually I started opening up, seeing this wonderful human being in front of me. And then things started going south. He’d say things and my gut would knot slightly in that “something doesn’t add up” kind of way. Then I caught him out on some seriously blatant lies (which I spoke about in previous posts) and when I eventually confronted him and said enough, he first ignored me, then went into victim mode and then got all manipulative and even smiled at me and made some sly comment. Thinking back, it was such typical sociopath behaviour because at the end of it all we never even argued about the topic that I had originally wanted to discuss. And then the apology came (after I completely flipped my lid and triggered into borderline mode) and we chatted and agreed it wouldn’t happen again. But now obviously I feel unsafe and I don’t trust him.
So I put my walls up and I stay in bitch mode a lot. The other day we had a family supper and my partner was invited. A few days later when I was talking to my mum about his behaviours and moaning about the fact that I was having to clean up after him (empty yoghurt container in kitchen, dirty jam knife left out, dishes piling up, etc) she said she is worried about me saying he lies because at the supper she picked up something…no matter what someone had done, he had had it happen to him but worse: “Oh you hurt your knee, I had both of mine totally buggered. Oh you dislocated your shoulder, I dislocated both of mine.”
I was feeling very nauseous that night and checked out of the conversation quite a bit so never picked up on it completely, but I absolutely remember him and my brother talking about injuries and thinking that he sounded a bit like he was boasting.
Basically, we argue every day. He’s still looking for a job and today he was using my old laptop, sitting next to me as I work. He looks for a few minutes and applies for one job then goes on to Facebook and not only that but he then wants to show me all these pictures and videos which are completely irrelevant to the task at hand. I tell him I need to concentrate and finish my work. He huffs and puffs a bit like I’m being rude. Then he looks at another job and half fills in the application before picking up his phone and opening a game. The volume was distracting me and I looked over and commented on the fact that playing games was not exactly looking for a job. He got so upset with me. Granted I fought back and told him how half looking for a job is not okay, and you finish your important task and then you reward yourself. Like myself, sitting here setting up for my next pub quiz and I feel nauseous as all hell and just want to rest and my phone has pinged a few times next to me, but I carry on until I am done and then I can rest and check my messages and go on Facebook etc. I said that he needs to find a job and that sitting on Facebook and playing games on his phone is not going to get him anywhere. So he snarkily looks at me and says, well setting quiz won’t get you anywhere in life. I swear to god I nearly reached over and slapped the fuck out of his smug face. I have successfully run this little business since 2012. I used to host quizzes at multiple venues and ran charity quizzes and special events quizzes. I cut it down to one venue and now just do it for the fun and some extra cash….because my other work (nanny work and my housesitting business which I have just expanded plus my writing work) keeps me busy and I felt I was spreading myself too thin.
So what the actual fuck. And it turns into this argument where I don’t even know what we’re arguing about really but he’s pointing fingers and then slams my laptop shut and says fine, he’ll just play games then because that’s what I say he’s always doing. Did I? Really…how the fuck did he glean that? And how very very mature of him. Yes, well done. I definitely want you to stay and be a part of our child’s life.
Talking about that, this constant state of stress is really worrying me (haha, vicious circle much) because of baby. I hear it is best to stay calm and rest and such but I’m just always in fight or flight mode, waiting for him to lie or laze around or throw something back at me. He says he’s in this with me but so far I have seen little in terms of concrete action. He makes me food and goes to the shops, he feeds the animals at this housesit and he walked the dogs three times. And I appreciate it, trust me I do! I don’t know how I’d have managed all these animals without him. But yesterday he bitched because I woke him up to ask if he could please let the maid in as I couldn’t get up (I had also just woken up and I tend to want to throw up or faint if I just jump up) and then bitched because I “wouldn’t let him sleep” when he got back because I was eating some salt and vinegar popcorn and green apple and then because I had asked if he would go to the shops when they opened at 9am because there was no electricity left and the maid couldn’t do anything until there was, and there wasn’t a single ply of toilet paper to be found in the whole house. I had managed to get up slowly to go pee, feed that cats and then make myself some weetbix and ended up sitting on the kitchen floor shaking like a leaf and feeling sick and light headed. I climbed back in to bed with said weetbix and that’s when I asked him to go get electricity. I actually got so tired of it that I just got up myself, I chucked on my jacket and boots and said I’d go myself so that I didn’t inconvenience him and he could stay in bed and get his precious sleep (it was now about 9:15am by the way). He shouted a few times saying I’m being ridiculous and to come back because he’ll go and I was just like, too late buddy. You clearly feel you had too much to do this morning, so don’t sweat it. So I went to the shops and I came back and I unpacked the few items and I put in the electricity and I dragged myself up the stairs and collapsed on the bed after it all. I was then too tired to do anything so tried to watch some series but had stuff I needed to get done so I did work on my laptop, setting up adverts and looking over some writing I am busy with and transferring files from my old laptop to this new one and emailing a few people back…
And he watched TV downstairs.
Last night we had another fight because he had lied to me and then done something a tad petty and spiteful, which he denied and then after arguing for a while admitted. Which just made me angrier because WHY DENY IT when I said it was bullshit and then we fight unnecessarily and THEN he admits it which leads to me getting more cross and pushing him away further because SURPRISE…he lied to me, AGAIN.
So I said to him that at the end of this house sit (he has to cover a few days when I am double booked) he can go home and we can try dating again. Like it was. Where he will have a chance to show me he isn’t this lying, manipulative person he suddenly seems to be acting as. I don’t know if this will work. I have no time for this bullshit. I’ve been here, I know these types. So if it really is who is then I’ll raise this kid alone…but it also freaks me out because I worry that this child will be like that. Will this child carry those parts of him?? I’m aware that I could pass on my endometriosis and depression etc. as well but at least I know who I am and I could identify those. I don’t know who my partner is and with his lies I don’t really know if I’ll ever find out. I only met him in March! This pregnancy put a gigantic fucking spanner in the works.
I’m so unhappy right now. I’m so scared. Unsafe and worried. Worried that he’s just like the patterns from the past. I don’t know why I haven’t walked away yet. When he leaves on Sunday I will be happy to have my own space and let him get on with his life. Find a job, work and save some money towards the baby. Sort his shit out. And if he wants to be with me he can be the person I first started getting to know, because that’s the person I want in my life. Not this lying, irresponsible, manipulative child I am now dealing with.