Still no closer to a decision. Right now I’m just trying to survive this ‘morning’ sickness which seems to have taken over my life. I was chatting to a good friend of mine and she said it’s really interesting hearing about pregnancy and that no one ever tells you what it really FEELS like…I guess it is really different for different women, but my real life experience is not the “oh I feel tired and sick but I’m so blessed this is such a miracle” you read about online. And as this is an unplanned pregnancy it’s even less “omg congratulations” and more “omg what am I going to do” which creates a lot of anxiety and tension, which in turn doesn’t help any of the symptoms.
So I was saying how quickly it all hits. I did the test and in the last two weeks my entire being has just morphed…and it feels like an overnight thing! You think pregnancy is slow?? HAH! I had no idea. It has hit like a ton of bricks. Last week all I could see on the scan was a little black oval because the embryo is too small to see; this week I’m told my baby will have developed a heart beat. My boobs are still growing at an alarming rate. I was pretty buxom to start with so I’m beginning to wonder if these mammoth mammaries might need their own area code soon. I have started eating meat like a starved T-rex…this is clearly my partner’s child and not mine at all. I have not eaten biltong AT ALL in over 10 years and although I’ve had a bite of beef sausage or mince on the very rare occasion, it made me more sick than happy. I’m having supper with this friend tonight and she asked me what I could stomach for supper…Spaghetti Bolognese. She nearly died laughing.
It’s kind of weird but I’m enjoying this physical experience. Not in that I enjoy feeling so sick etc, but in that I am finding it highly amusing. I am fascinated by it as I am by most medical things…I really should have been a doctor or research scientist of some sort.
On the other hand it still feels unreal. I keep trying to picture myself with a growing belly and eventually with a mewling (or screaming and squawking) little live human in my arms. I keep trying to picture what I would do in order to financially support a child…what it would be like to feed and change and be exhausted and still have to pay the bills but also to be in awe of this little miracle, and to teach it about life and guide it in growing up. To choose food and clothes and schools. Where would I live? I really want to get my passport and bugger off to the UK and have my child there. I feel I could give it a better life in a first world country. In South Africa I’m working 3 jobs and still can’t afford to move out in to my own place. And a lot of it is because minimum wage here is shit. I also have qualifications but they mean fuck all in this country. I’ve got a nutrition diploma and a teaching diploma and I’ve been a writer for most of my life, with a few published works. But I work as a nanny and run a few of my own little side projects because I have chronic illness which isn’t even recognized in most medical facilities here and I have to somehow afford to live whilst not really being able to work a full, stressful 9-5 job. Look, I know one thing, I am incredibly resourceful. I have ALWAYS managed. And if things are falling a part a bit (or a lot) I always make a plan. It might take a little bit of sitting in a puddle of darkness and feeling sorry for myself but even whilst I do that my brain is often formulating some kind of plan which I can generally spring in to action one step at a time whilst telling the black hole to F off.
Ok, I don’t even know half of what I have written above and I don’t have the energy to re read it. I am feeling so tired and sick that I’m shaking, whilst lying in bed. I’m going to nap before work. Thanks for reading this jumble…