Was going to type one of my normal emotionally charged posts but then my mum got chatting to me again and I’m already unsure how I’ve been functioning since around noon when the exhaustion was already taking over. I literally feel like I could collapse in on myself, so here’s the short version:
I had my scan on Saturday. I am around 5 weeks, 3 days as of today. Most of the day I would cry my eyes out every time someone spoke to me, especially when talking about ‘termination’… It’s over in like 5 to 10 minutes and it’s painless…um maybe physically (and not even then really) but lets not mention the gaping emotional hole it leaves in ones being.
I had a huge fight with my partner on Saturday night about most of the stuff I ranted about no here the other day. He keeps telling little lies and when I tried to talk to him like an adult he first ignored me, then went into victim mode and then tried to threaten me by telling me I sound just like his ex and he left her two days later…nice handling of the situation buddy. I told him to pack his shit and leave if he was going to act like a child. And after long chats yesterday, when he kept asking why I was so off and I replied that I no longer trust him and I don’t really like this person he is showing me so I’m cutting myself off a bit because I don’t feel safe, he was really upset. And today he cried and said he doesn’t want to lose me. And then I cried and said he is already and if he doesn’t pull his shit together I have to leave because I will not allow myself to be treated like that. So here’s to hoping…but I’m not holding my breath. I’ve had enough experience in life to know how this story goes. But I suppose I am hoping he’ll prove me wrong.
The nausea has progressed to full day, all day, can’t face food….actually can’t even face water. But it’s weird. I feel so sick yet there will be one food or drink that I think of that suddenly makes me feels less ill. Then I track it down, eat/drink it and voila, I feel better…for about 30 minutes, an hour if I’m lucky. Like this morning I nearly threw up a few times but the thought of a berry smoothie made me feel better so I got one and literally gulped it down. I even slurped at the bottom 😛 Felt great and then not so great. I tried sucking on ice today which works for a bit. And Eisbein (salty pork thingy) oddly enough, because I normally only eat a bit of chicken, fish and, rarely, some bacon.
My boobs are like nearly double their size. I tried on my normal underwire bra today, and besides the sheer pain, my boobs were literally spilling out of the top, and sides, and where ever else they could escape from.
I still don’t feel any closer to making a decision and I still have a lot of mixed emotions to deal with.
I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow morning…so that should be interesting.
Right, even that was longer than expected. Good night lovely humans…this pregnant woman needs to pass out, or pee…or throw up…or all three. Isn’t pregnancy just beautiful.