I am SO irritated lately, omg. And the person irritating me the most right now is my partner. Yes, he’s 7 years younger than me, and for the most part this doesn’t bug me. But he’s been staying with me for the last week and I am so utterly exhausted and want to scream at him…so I’m going to type it here instead:
STOP losing shit. Put your stuff in one spot so that you don’t have to keep asking me where the fucking keys are, or the plug, or have I seen your beanie. I have told you this before. Stop living in goddamn Lala Land. Everything is sooo slow. “No, sit down baby, I’ll make you tea” or “I’ll make lunch” and half an hour later your face is either stuck in your phone or you’re staring into space or godknows what. If you’re going to do something, get it done!!! If you offer me a cup of tea or to make food or whatever…then do it! Otherwise I’ll just do it myself.
Also what’s with the weird noises you randomly make, or the accents you suddenly speak in or mimicking something I’ve said or telling me to look at something and I do and it’s like, “look look look!!” as if I’m not actually fucking looking. I did these things too, when I was 6 years old. And no, I don’t like it when you suck on my chin or lick my face or poke me or won’t let me get up because you want to snuggle and you think it’s funny to stop me. I am nauseous and I am peeing like a race horse, trust me, if I want to get up, let me get up. Then yesterday it’s “want to share a smoke babe?” (yes I’ve been smoking a bit still) and I said okay, I’ll have a drag or two and then you start playing with the dogs and then you lie face down on the floor and I come in and ask if you’re still wanting to go outside and you ignore me…I figure you were pretending you passed out or some other such attention seeking drama so I walked away and went to sit in the room and resist the urge to fucking slap you because I had also JUST told you NOT to ignore me when I speak to you. I don’t understand why you do it. It’s not a lot of effort to give a simple yes or no if I ask you something. Then you eventually walk in to the room and I ask you why you were ignoring me and you say “oh I fainted”….I literally could have strangled you. And then I say to you that I know you’re talking bullshit and I’ve also told you that it fucks me off when you do this and you say you’re kidding, you didn’t really faint. I asked you what you get out of it…what payoff do you get pretending you fainted on the floor? You don’t know. Then you ask me what I’d do if you really had fainted or hurt yourself or something…I told you you’d probably die because you call wolf so many times that I’d just think you were being dramatic and attention seeking again. You seemed pretty offended but in all honesty you needed to hear it. It’s that same reason I don’t believe you when you tell me about certain injuries or how you have heart problems and you actually died for a few minutes once. I call bullshit because you look for attention a lot and I don’t really know when to take you seriously. Also, I’m pregnant. Get your fingers out your ass and start really putting in effort to get on your own two feet. I know, the job market is shit and I understand it can be difficult, but in all honesty you haven’t really been trying everything. And if I decide to keep this child you better have some kind of plan in place.
And I think that’s why I am getting so fucking irritated…because I’m realizing I need a man here. I need someone strong and grounded and can be an equal. Not some kid who eats my chin and thinks pretending to faint on the floor will get him attention. I need someone who will do things he might not like in order to get shit done. Who will sacrifice and prioritize. Who lives in reality and doesn’t offer to pay me back for cigarettes (which I only actually bought because you wanted) or to pay my friend back for the money she lent me to go for the scan tomorrow when you don’t have cent to your name. And when I ask how you plan on doing this, you say you’ll make a plan. I know you hate it and I know you feel shit for not being able to pay for things or take me out or even find a job, but you moan about it and then do nothing. BE PROACTIVE. Why do you think I run two small businesses of my own on top of au pairing every day…because I needed the money and with chronic illness I cannot work a 9-5 corporate job (never mind that I’m 28 with no degree). You’re good with kids, offer to babysit for your parent’s friends. You’re good with animals, offer to dog walk. You see how much I get from housesitting and want to house sit so start speaking to people, ask your mom and her friends to spread the word. Put a notice up on the local notice board, advertise online. There are SO many things you can do to bring in SOMETHING. I even had to suggest that you offer to do extra stuff around the house in return for some money instead of just asking for it all the time.
Omg I am exhausted. I cannot do this right now. I cannot parent my partner when I am trying to wrap my head around all this other stuff. Yes, he is amazing in terms of emotional support and yes he has run me baths and made supper and vacuumed the house and he has made me copious amounts of ginger tea. But doing that does not mean you’re stepping up as an adult. It is a wonderful form of support but it leaves me to pay for everything, it leaves me nagging you or telling you about how to find work and money or telling you where your keys are and doing your washing and folding it and…I guess…feeling like your mother. I feel so exhausted today, emotionally. I feel so drained and I feel lost because if you were just a few years old I know you’d be the man I see you can be. And it’s not your fault, you’re not a bad person at all. In fact despite my rant, I love you very much. You are kind and deep and caring and funny (when you’re not being childish)…but, by no fault of your own, you do have a lot of growing up to do in terms of the real world.