Time and Fallibility

It’s been four days since I saw those first two little lines appear. Four days that feel like a lifetime…like this is all I have known. I try to think of other things and sometimes I succeed in distraction for a few minutes, maybe more if I’m lucky, but it’s always there. It’s there in the ache of my back, in the heaviness of my breasts, in the fluttering of my heart, in the odd sensation of weight in my pelvis. It’s there in the constant queasiness, in the hunger that turns to overwhelming nausea at night, in the want to sleep no matter how much I have slept already, in the niggling mood swings and spontaneous outbursts of irritation or tears. How can I not think about it when I am reminded every second…

How can I not think about it, obsess over it, when I have this decision looming over my head. I thought I’d had to make big decisions in the past but I laugh silently now as I realize how futile those decisions were in comparison to choosing life or death for a being which cannot speak out and has no chance to give forth it’s opinion. Who am I to make this choice of life and death. I’ve done it before but it’s a universe of difference when it’s your own life you are either choosing to discard or fight for. How can I be expected to do this? I’ve sat in silence, I’ve played music and sobbed quietly, I have lain in warm baths (hand on my belly) lost in sensations I cannot explain, I’ve pulled cards and written pages in front of glowing fires, I have curled up in my partner’s arms as we comfort each other with our hearts and our warmth and our strength. But I don’t feel strong. I feel like I have been handed a task of which I am not worthy, not even remotely prepared for. I feel so utterly fallible…

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