The Anorexia Chronicles

Seriously, how is this battle never ending? Why can I not wake up one morning and it’s all gone? I have been doing better and my recovery has reached a new point. After hitting 64kg I saw my therapist and delved in to a lot of what was triggering me and why I was binge eating etc. It really helped and I have been happily plodding along, even the body dysmorphia quietened down and I although I was 64kg I started liking the curves I saw, the tiny waist set off by the larger hips and now fuller breasts. But yesterday I stood on the scale…66kg. This morning it was 65.5kg.

I know I shouldn’t stand on the scale but I put my jeans on and I felt like a sausage stuffed into a very tight casing. It is disgusting. I refuse to buy new clothes so I am becoming more and more limited in what I can wear. Right now leggings and my loose onesie are the most comfortable. I know I am healthy in terms of the fact that my body is stronger than it’s ever been. I am able to gym and yoga like never before and I actually have awesome muscle tone in my back and under the flab on my stomach there are some pretty hardcore abs. But the fat. So much fat. 65.5kg…that’s more than 10kg heavier than I was this time last year. TEN KILOGRAMS.

I find I am okay with not eating until I decide to put something in my mouth, then I can’t stop. I bought a wrap for lunch and thought half for lunch and half for supper as I used to do. But I ate the whole thing. I started and then I just don’t stop. I am full but I keep going. It’s like, until I feel uncomfortably full I will just keep on eating. I decided to stop drinking two days ago after a 5 day antibiotic course. I haven’t had alcohol in a week now which already cuts out a crap load of calories. The next step I told myself is to cut processed sugar. So I’ll have honey in my tea and stop drinking milk in tea. Honey on my cereal, if I eat cereal. I’m said I am clean eating again and I’m two days in… two hot chocolates, one biscuit and a wrap in. Plus yoghurt and fruit at like 12am this morning. I need to stop eating so late at night. I need to get to bed earlier. I need to stop over eating. I need to exercise more. I need to stop all these little add ons…a teaspoon of peanut butter here, a handful of coconut there, a bite of a rusk, half a banana…all these stupid snacks that add up and are adding kilogram after kilogram of fat onto what was once a beautiful, lithe body. I feel like a Heffalump.

I’m also kind of seeing this guy now, the beautiful 20 year old (ooh to be a sugar mommy) and I keep thinking, he’s going to be dating an elephant. WHY CAN’T I STOP. It’s really not rocket science. I know what to do, I studied nutrition to help with this kind of shit. And how am I coaching others when I can’t even do it myself. If I just stop putting food in my mouth then I won’t have a problem. I chewed and spat again this morning, eating silly snacks again and realising I’m not even hungry. At least I was able to be aware of that. Argh. I just want to be skinny again. I just want to not binge eat, to not feel fat, to not have this all running through my head.

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