I miss you. I barely know you but I miss you.
I worry that I am falling for the person I have imagined you to be in my head. I do this often. Create a preconceived idea and fall hard for the person I think someone is. Or for the potential I see within them. But, being human, they eventually disappoint. And I do it over and over and over. In love, I think being an empath, seeing inside the soul and pure energy of a person, is a curse. Because eventually the humanness shows itself and the sad thing is, the oldest, most beautiful souls are often the ones who are the most damaged as humans. Perhaps it is because we are here to learn the harder lessons, taking on what the younger souls could not withstand. But then somehow most lose touch with their real selves, their pure love energy. It’s difficult to stay in touch with our pure love energy when the world is molding us into it’s boxes. But it can be done…so why do I always fall for the ones who are so damaged.
I’ve built high walls around my heart, making sure the gates are ready to snap shut at a moments notice and that I am ready to turn my back and walk away. It’s a scary place to be but caution is needed when it comes to other people. I am still loving and caring, as that is who I am, but I can walk away in a heartbeat. I feel myself falling for you (or the you I have created in my mind) and all I want is to be in your arms, to be physically in your presence, getting to know you properly…yet I know that at the first sign of trouble I can shut those gates and walk away. I think I learned to do this 5 years ago when my final straw was dating that coke addict who I nearly let ruin me. After overdosing and coming out the other side, I made a subconscious promise to myself to never get that attached to any ever again. I was with a guy for three years and I was so able to detach myself that when I eventually ended it I barely cried at all.
Then I met A last year and he was the first one with whom I allowed myself to feel a bit more. To feel possibilities and hopes. And then he proved to be just another one who left me hurting. Another one who toyed with me. Who took total advantage of my loving nature. Being a nice person does not make me weak. It might have in the past, but I have learned. Why do people think being nice means I will put up with bullshit and allow myself to be walked all over? It’s saddening really, that being a good human means others think I am weak or needy or will sacrifice myself for them. I think it makes me stronger than most actually. After all the crap I have been through, I can still love and still treat others with respect and caring until they give me reason not to. But it means that I do often still get a bit hurt…or maybe disappointed is a good word. I wish I could be a bitch. That I could not care about hurting others after all the hurt others have put me through. But where would that get me, really. I would end up just being one of those people I have been disappointed by. I do not want to be them.