Boys Boys Boys and a Man

I have never had a problem meeting guys or getting asked out on dates. My problem is saying no because A) I am always intrigued by getting to know these guys. What if I give them the chance and they are really cool. People generally take a while to open up. B) I am a bit addicted to the butterflies and fun C) I seriously hate hurting people…well, hurting isn’t the right word, that’s just arrogant…um, I sometimes feel like it’s nasty to go on dates and then suddenly say, “well, that was fun and thanks for paying and putting in all this effort but I’m going to go now.”
That sounds retarded when I write it out because I have every right to choose what’s best for me. Oh I’m so confused…I don’t blame you if you are too! Hahaha! So this is all rolling around my brain because once again I have been going on dates…let me put down a little summary:

*2 dates with 40 year old sexy, rocker guy with loads of money and a 10 year old child. Funny thing is he’s been my neighbour for 8 years. We get along, he’s really cool, but he’s also a lot older and I sometimes don’t know what to say to him without feeling like a juvenile delinquent or tween. Like, LOL, totes. There are these occasional silences which irk me. I feel like he may just be trying to get into my pants as he doesn’t ask a lot questions about me, whereas I ask quite a few. He’s a crap kisser. I find myself asking, if he didn’t have all the money would I still have gone on a second date…hmm? Ew, gold digger, not so cool.

*Hanging out with 24 year old guy I was hooking up with end of last year. He asked me out back then, I said no because of falling for A. Still saw this guy as a friend whilst with A. Relationship with A blew up in my face. Saw this guy the other night and we slept together again. We’ve hung out a few times, he’s slept over twice more but minus the sex, just the snuggles and movies and chatting. He has the most gentle energy, very kind and super smart. I feel safe with him and I trust him…it’s “what you see is what you get”. He designs games…3D animation and coding and stuff that is way over my head. Just got promoted. Quietly ambitious. But my friend’s eat him alive. I’m a strong personality, bit wild, and my friends are the same. He’s more quiet observer and a tad socially awkward. He’s a fantastic kisser. But he smokes weed…a kinda big deal breaker for me.

*Met this boy when I went to KZN on recent holiday. He lives in Cape Town too but has been up there helping his dad out. We immediately hit it off when we met at this local pub. He knows  my family that side and is friends with my cousins. He’s gorgeous af. Gypsy viking sexy. I find out he’s 20…yes, 20 years old. I would have said 24/25 especially as he does NOT look 20 and acts more mature so far. We’ve been chatting on watsapp since that night we met, every single day, a lot. It’s magical. But I know every time I’ve said that in the past it has blown up in my face. I do not trust magical… He’ll be back home in about a week and he said he wants to take me on a date. We’ve also made a pact of no sex or intimate type contact for first month he is here. I want to get to know him. Hugs and cuddles allowed but that’s it.

Actually it’s weird but I’ve lost interest in all this fun sex and hooking up. There is a whole extra post I can fill on my realization of functioning subconsciously within old patterns. It’s been a big eye opener. I want to sleep with someone and I want it to mean something. I want earth shattering, heart and soul connecting sex. So, I’ve stepped back from it. My old relationship patterns have not worked. I need to try something different.I want to.

So I really don’t see anything in the future with sexy sugar daddy. I don’t think I see a relationship with quiet stoner. But my leap-in-head-over-heels is in full ‘on’ mode with gypsy viking. I am weary. I do not trust this. It’s tough and it’s all confusing and I’m seeing sugar daddy and quiet stoner to keep my barriers up with my gypsy boy. Lol…if that makes any sense.

I just realized I need to get up and get ready for work. Sigh. I’ve been so burnt out last few days that I’d much rather just stay in bed. Could so easily take a nap right now.

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