Finding Myself Again

It’s always interesting, the ups and downs of life. I’ve been battling with letting go of A and at the same time battling my eating disorder turned on its head, plenty of anxiety and feeling rather low. I saw my therapist on Monday for the first time in six months and although I wondered at first if I should see her at all, I am so glad I did.

It seems the health/weight loss challenge I entered has been a major trigger in my life. My therapist was rather shocked and said that it seemed far too much to enter a competition based around weight loss and muscle building when I suffer from chronic illness and am still in recovery after relapsing into anorexia not so long ago. I also feel that A has helped me move on with his recent action of telling someone about me having herpes and then that person telling his loud mouth best friend who then told my friend (omg how high school is this) and then it got back to me. I was livid, obviously. Betrayed and scared. It’s not something you want everyone knowing about, mostly because of the stigma attached to it. I wrote him off and blocked him on Watsapp. He then sms’s me twice, and I ignored it. So he Facebook messages me. It’s all about how sorry he is and why won’t I speak to him and please message and he wants to be friends…I mean, again with the friends thing. Fuck off. Seriously.

So through this all I realized that I have lost touch with myself. I have lost my grip on that inner power and strayed from listening to my body and my soul. I think this is what makes people depressed…I know it’s definitely what triggers me. And from chatting to others it seems to be a similar thing all over. We lose touch with ourselves and end up doing all these “shoulds” and feel guilty when we do something we want because perhaps it’s a “shouldn’t” and these “shouldn’ts” build up with the guilt and then we get depressed because we feel we aren’t good enough and we get angry because we don’t want to do the “shoulds”…and so on. If that makes any sense 😛 lol

So after seeing my therapist I’ve already stopped binge eating and have taken my focus back to me, my soul, my inner sparkle. I am exhausted today but luckily postponed some work stuff and am having a quiet day in terms of au pairing as the munchkin is at a creative writing afternoon.

I have also been going out on dates. My sexy neighbour whom I have bumped into on outside smoke breaks for 8 years asked me to supper with him and his son, by chance, because he found out I like sushi and they were on their way out to get some. He took me for breakfast yesterday on his sexy Yamaha R1 and kissed me. So all seems good, except he is actually 40…that’s 12 years older than me. Granted he’s a sexy 40 😛
Then I met a guy when I recently went up the coast to visit family and we hit it off immediately. He is a stunning soul and physically beautiful. And then he tells me he’s 20…that’s 8 years younger than me…
I have also reconnected with a guy I went out with and slept with end of last year. He’s also a beautiful soul. Very gentle and quietly ambitious and hard working. He’s 24.

And as weird as it is…I enjoy being in the company of each one of them. But it’s not the same as A. Am I going to compare all the rest of my dates to A for the rest of my life? It seems so unfair, to them and to me. I wish he’d not been a part of my life. I still cannot see the lesson in it all…and normally I am quick to pick up on the lesson and to learn something from it. Not this time. I told my therapist that somehow I cannot shake the feeling that my and A’s journey is not over…that there is still some roll we need to play here. I just wish I knew what.

I have to get back to work now. Perhaps I can write later again. I’m feeling very poetic today and wish I could just stay here in my bed and write more, but, work is a must…not even a should, lol…

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