Body Abuse

So I’ve hit 64kg…the highest weight I’ve been in years. As a recovering anorexic this has turned my life upside down. I have been abusing my body for months now, ever since I had my laparoscopy and this week I hit my lowest point.

I am currently feeling awful after drinking coffee. I never drink the stuff!!! I KNOW caffeine and my stomach are enemies! And now I feel sick and my IBS is flaring up horribly 😦 over the last month I’ve been bloated pretty much a the time, I’ve had bleeding with bowel movements, more endo pain and fatigue. At what point will I stop!

I’m seeing my therapist on Monday for the first time in 6 months. I think it’s time for a check in. I’m binge eating, feeling stressed and anxious. And a bit down on and off. I absolutely hate my body on most days. All my clothes are too tight. But I’ve still been training. In fact I’ve trained quite hard in the last 3 days since I stood on the scale. Body was aching so much today. I’m physically stronger than I’ve ever been and I can actually run without dying. But there’s all this flab over my muscles. Especially the belly flab, argh I hate it.

Yet I’m smoking like a chimney, picking at my skin and eating too much. I’ve been trying to find out what triggered it all but just have not been able to put my finger on it. I could say it was A and the break up and such but if I’m honest it started before him. It’s become worse after, but I don’t think he’s the reason. A friend of mine recently said that we all live trying to fill a hole inside ourselves. But that the hole is never able to be filled. Kind of a scary concept. What hole am I trying to fill though? Argh.

I’m tired, I went on a really cool date tonight which actually has me smiling from ear to ear. But I cannot pursue anything deeper until I find out what is causing this feeling of no control. My self love is still there but I’m getting frustrated with myself! Bad habits and racing thoughts that are driving me nuts and making me restless. Can’t wait for Monday…

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