Dysmorphia

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And today I hit 64kg. I have not weighed this much since 2012. I am disgusted. I am in a flat panic. And yes…right now the pain of looking in the mirror hurts more than starving. The pain of feeling how tight my clothes are. The pain of the disgusting fat rolls on my stomach. The pain of binge eating and not being able to get into my restricting mindset…I just want to eat more. The pain of wanting to be healthy but not wanting this fat. I feel out of control. Agitated. Angry. Am seeing my therapist on Monday for the first time in…6 months I think. Something has got to change. I need to find whatever triggered me into this spiral of binging. Why has my eating disorder flipped? What has happened to me? 😦 😦

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