Unplanned Anger Rant

Three weeks now. I don’t know if I’m depressed because I’m sick or getting more sick because I’ve been depressed…

Started with break up, then started processing that and he messages me, then he says I misconstrued his messages, he only wanted to be friends. He KNEW I still had feelings for him. How selfish can a person be, saying I miss you and I miss your company, and you’re so amazing and crying and getting drunk and…how do you think I’m going to perceive that? I cut contact only to call him when my car breaks down after a long, horrible week.

I couldn’t think of anyone else to call. I wouldn’t have called him unless I was at my wits end. A moment of stupidity and desperation. And he was quite a twat about that too. So after a drawn out two weeks of heartache pushing me further and further into a corner, my car breaking down and being stuck at a friends (thank god not on the side of the road) for about 7 hours, and having endo pain and financial issues…yeah, I was depressed. I cried for an entire day, not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to face the world because lately all it’s been doing is knocking me down. The next day I mentally shook myself and got into the shower. I got dressed. I ate. I saw a friend. I started thinking about little tasks that I could do to get my career on track. I WOULD NOT GIVE UP. I would not allow one selfish boy and two weeks of karmic downpour to break me. I’ve been through so much worse.

I then found out that his best friend hates me. She’s been nothing but sugary sweet to my face, even messaged me last week to ask how I was and then I find out she’s talking behind my back, to some of my closest friends too. Luckily my close friends know me well and came to me to clear up a story she’d told them. Now I see her “how are you” was nothing but fishing for drama, I see what hand she must have had to play in all of this. Master puppeteer…I find out she didn’t push A and me together (she kept boasting about what a match maker she is), she just wanted to get him laid after his break up. He spent the entire weekend with her, her boyfriend, and 2 friends and had a heart to heart with her just before he broke up with me.

I deleted him off Facebook. If I have to be honest, I still love parts of him, but now I also see the weakness of his spirit. I see how easily he can be manipulated and influenced. I see how selfish he can be. I see someone who is very emotionally young and has a lot of backbone to grow. I’m raging inside as I type this. Those words are kind in comparison to what I want to say…and seeing as this is my blog, let me stop censoring for a minute…

I’m angry. I’m hurt that you acted like such a twat when I called you at the end of my line. I’m angry that you messaged me when I told you I couldn’t be friends and you KNEW I loved you. A heartless selfish fucking child. Whether you may or may not realize it, you are a puppet in your ‘best’ friend’s hands. Grow a fucking backbone. Stop allowing others to influence you..me included. I should never have ‘convinced’ you to not give up on us when you freaked out in the beginning. Your fear of commitment and of yourself. Stop using people for your own loneliness. I am angry that you used me. Or lied. Or…I don’t even know anymore. Because your actions and words were never in line with each other. Because NONE of this makes sense to me at all! Because why do I still think about you and miss your laughter and your warm arms and the passionate, fun sex and the late night chats and silly adventures. I hate you because I love you…loved you…I hate you because you disappointed me. Because I saw this beautiful person who was everything I wanted and you let me down. You showed yourself to be totally fallible. To be weak. To be a child. It was my own blindness then. I deserve better. I deserve someone who will not judge me based on my past. Who will not judge me for having walked a different path. You say you admire me but in the same breath you tell me I’m not where I should be at my age..according to whom? Society? Ooooh…yes. Society. Get your head out of society’s ass. I will be greater than you can imagine. Why? Because I am twice the person you seem to think I am. Not despite the hell I have walked through but because of it. I know who I am. I walk head held high into the fire and I have always come out the other side. More than you can say at this point. Clinging to your ex like she was the be all and end all even when you had seen that you would not have worked out. I get it, I really do…first love is like that. But then you learn that all love is not like first love. Fist love is infatuation. It’s unrealistic. It’s immature love. And I guess it was unfair of me to expect that you’d process it in 6 months. Men generally take longer to process relationships, believe it or not, it’s true. I see now that I should have walked away from you a long time ago. I should have been smarter about it all. But love isn’t smart. Falling for someone is not smart. For the first time in my life I am not interested in opening my heart again. I no longer dream of love or finding the ‘ideal’ match for me. I am not interested in the dates I have been asked on or how many of my idiot guy ‘friends’ suddenly want to get into my pants…funny how they all pop out of the woodwork. Call me cold hearted but I’m not. I just have reached the end of my fuck-o-meter. I care about me now. And I have no time for silly flirting and attempts at one night stands. I see it at stronger. I see it as me finally not putting up with all the bullshit from guys that I have experienced over the years. So far men have been selfish, immature, unkind, abusive, untrustworthy and egotistical. It will take someone fucking special to break through this one day. Because I am not tossing love aside, I am not saying I hate love or any of that silly stuff. I am just saying that I have had enough of time wasting. Enough of opening my heart and being caring and letting guys in only to be trampled or disappointed or used. Enough is enough. And I have you to thank for this. Perhaps you served your purpose in my life after all…

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