You messaged me on Sunday.
I didn’t know what to do, as my heart shattered into little pieces, fragments on the floor as my heart raced and my head swam. I didn’t open the message for 2 hours…inaction seemed better than opening the flood gates. But then I opened it. I was at a theme park, the one where you were supposed to be with us. You said you were jealous of my day and proud of me for facing my fear of heights. You apologized for the message. You said you know we’re not talking. What do I do? Do I reply…don’t I? What do I say?
I replied. Polite but distant. The weirdest thing I was busy doing a card reading for myself at that point and my guides had nudged me to do one for you too. So I asked if you wanted to see it. You did. My hands shaking, I sent it through. I know how I interpreted it as the words flowed onto paper. The hardest part of doing readings for others is to not let your personal desires get in the way. It was so hard but I wrote down everything, even the bits that stung. It was all about being in the moment, about getting out of your box, about leaping and falling and following your heart. It said let go of the past. It said you are capable of anything but you are repressing so much. To me it sounded like you need to let go of everything you’ve held on to that is holding you back. That your heart knows where it lies. I wish I knew for sure. I can say you love me and everyone around us can say you love me, that they see us, they see the glances, the laughter, the oneness….but you lie through your words. The ones that don’t match up with your actions.
Why did you message me on Sunday?? Why would you rip that wound open again and then not follow through. You miss me, you said. I told you so. I told you that you were lying when you said you don’t. I told you your actions are in total controversy with your words. Same as I think you are lying when you say you don’t feel you are falling for me. You are confused because you have never felt anything like this before. It is not an all consuming first love, it is a coming together of two perfectly matched puzzle pieces. It is a companionship, a feeling of home, an acceptance of the other exactly as we are, an ability to share ourselves completely, both physically and mentally. I just wish that ’emotionally’ was included in that list.
And so we chatted. I was guarded, weary, but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to know everything…I wanted to know of the ache inside your heart, of the tears you have spilled, of the thoughts running around inside your head. I wanted to know what the card reading meant to you. I wanted to know if you missed my warmth, like I missed yours, this weekend. But I didn’t ask. I sent you a piece of writing that felt as if I had written it myself. You said it is hard to hear me speak as if I am saying goodbye forever, that you don’t like it, you don’t think it needs to be this way, but that it’s not only up to you. (What do you want from me???) I said you’re right, it’s not only up to you.
You know how I feel about you. I have been nothing but honest and open, laying my naked heart on the table, exposed as you stabbed your words through it. Even now I hold my head high as I engaged in this conversation. You still didn’t commit. You still didn’t open up. I had to then…I had to, for my own sanity. So I told you: “I don’t think we should’ve been talking. I love you, but if you cannot admit your feelings then I have to let you go. It is unfair of you to want to have your cake and eat it too…’sometimes fear really does win out’…”
I still feel numb this morning. But I do not want to be with someone who cannot say he wants to be with me. I deserve more than that. I have closed my heart now. To you, to anyone. Not forever, but I have had enough heartache over the last 6 months of my life without adding more. My life is mine now. I do not invite anyone to share it with me as I did you. Because honestly, I cannot picture sharing it with anyone else.