So day one done and dusted…
I slept 4 hours last night. Took an anti nausea pill to help me sleep (yay for sedative effect) because I was still awake after 1am after crying my eyes out. I called my GP today to get a prescription for some mild sedatives to help me sleep for next few days but she was busy and didn’t call back. Will try again tomorrow.
I kept myself busy today. Training was a welcome distraction, as was work. In between the two I focused on some of my nutrition work and went to a movie with a friend after work this evening. Now I’m sitting alone in my room and the feelings rush back in. I wrote a message to him, obviously not to send but I typed it in as if I would’ve and then I deleted it. It helps, as if I could actually get it off my chest. I wrote:
So I wish I could be there with you. I wish you hadn’t walked away. I wish i was enough for you to love. I wish you were open enough to feel again. There is so much I want to say but I know I can’t. I’m crying again and I hate it. I feel so weak, so fragile. I never wanted to feel like this. I swore I wouldn’t do this but I let my guard down because your actions told me you felt the same. I was a fool. I allowed myself to be used without even knowing it, exposing my heart. But I cannot hate you because I love you. I cannot hate you because you were so honest. Because of how you held me so tight, as if you didn’t want to let me go either, the tears streaming down your face and mingling with mine in one last sweet kiss goodbye. I am not lost without you. I have continued as I did before our short lived relationship. But the world was a little more dull when I woke up this morning, none of the colours as bright as they were before. And my days feel a little more empty knowing I will not share them with you. My heart has been aching in every quiet moment. Funny how emotion can cause such a physical ache. An ache that sits in my chest keeping the knots in my stomach and the burning of my tear soaked eyes.
Then I wrote this as the words just started to flow out of me: None of what you said made sense except the part about needing to be on your own to sort yourself out, to be okay on your own. None of the rest added up…you don’t miss me, but you will. You don’t feel anything but you cry. You don’t love me but you felt a little jealous at times and I was the first person you wanted to share your news with, or ask for advice, or go on adventures with. You don’t want to lose me but you don’t want to be with me. My poor heart hurts and my head is spinning with the words that were said and the actions that contradict them again. This is harder than I ever could’ve imagined. This is the first time in my life I regret something. I wish I had not let my walls down. I wish I had walked away and not let you in. I do not know what lesson this has taught me other than making me want to shut my heart for good. I found it difficult to trust but I stupidly jumped in, thinking you were on the same page because that is what you lead me to believe. I wish I didn’t know what it is that has been missing…I wish I hadn’t met the person who ticks almost all my boxes, because you cannot miss something you think is just a dream. But here I sit, knowing that I met the man I could live a life with, only to have him walk away.