Break Ups…Again

So this wonderful guy I met that ticks almost all my ‘ideal partner’ boxes broke up with me last night. And it hurts so much. I’d forgotten how much a broken heart hurts. Especially because we’d only been officially dating for a month or so. It’s still honeymoon phase. Let’s call him A.

A is so cut off after his last relationship, his first love. I knew, going in to this that he was still processing his break up, but I had patience and I’d been helping him process the break up from the day we met and had helped him a lot. I guess I thought he was doing better. I guess I hoped that he’d fall in love with me and realize she wasn’t the one.

He said he doesn’t miss me when I’m not there and that he hates himself for not being in love with me because I tick so many boxes and we’re so stupidly compatible. He needs time on his own, he needs to work through some stuff and find that he is okay on his own. When we met we clicked immediately. We’re so alike in so many ways. He said he’s never clicked with someone like he did with me; I’ve become one of the best friends he’s ever had. That stung. Friend. Friendzoned. But I know there is something there. We were hooking up for a while before we decided to give it a try. It got to a point where I was hooking up with this other guy (B) and all I could think was I wish it was him. A few days after that had happened A messaged me and told me how he had hooked up with this girl (he was away on holiday at this time) and how all he could think about was how he wished it was me. This seemed to be a turning point where we both had developed feelings and so I said perhaps we should stop seeing other people. So we did. It scared us both to death.

Last night he said he doesn’t love me. But it makes no sense that he thought of me with this other girl. That when I hugged B after we’d bumped into him at a local pub, I’d hugged B a little longer than I’d hugged the others we’d bumped into, and A said he was a little jealous. That sounds like feelings to me. A also said right person, wrong time. He does want to stay friends, he still wants to hang out and chat and stuff but I said to him, if you let me go now, you let me go completely. I can’t just be friends.We contemplated going back to the open relationship vibe because we were both actually thriving in that relationship, but I said I don’t think I’d be able to handle it if he met someone else and she outshone me. I laughed then and said, no one is allowed to outshine me. It would hurt to much to know he means so much to me but I don’t quite measure up. Still.

It’s stupid to say but I really feel like he’s the one I will end up marrying. How could I possibly feel like that, or possibly know. He cried too. In the car and saying goodbye. He sobbed. He said he’d miss messaging me, I’m the first one he wants to message all the silly little things to. I’m the person he comes to when he needs advice. He loves hanging out with me. See how it doesn’t make sense?? The only thing I fully understand is that he needs time on his own and that he needs to process his last relationship and let go of her. When he said about not having those feelings for me…that I don’t believe. It doesn’t correlate with his actions or with the above things he said. But the only love he’s known was his first love…that all consuming love where the world ceases to exist and you are so enraptured with the other and your whole world revolves around them. Real love isn’t like that. Real love is compatibility and bringing out the best in each other, wanting to help the other be their best, valuing the other’s advice and support, being the first person you want to share silly little things with, the person you think of when you’re going about your day and experience something and go: “oh he/she would love that” or “I’d love to do this with him/her”. It’s the person you want to kiss, to cuddle on the couch with, to fall asleep next to, your legs entwined. The person whom you hug and it feels like coming home. We have all of this…he even said he feels like it’s home when we hug. Everyone who has seen us together says there is that look in his eyes…I told him and he said yes, because he admires me so much for who I am. I said that is a form of love.

He took my face in his hands at one point and said to me, “You’re an amazing human being, you know that.” He told me I have more potential than I realize. That he’s so sorry. That maybe he is making the biggest mistake but he doesn’t know. All I can do is hope. Carry on with my goals and plans and hope that if this is meant to be it will be. I said to him, I believe that if we are meant to be together it will happen but if our path has run it’s course then we’ve learned what we needed to from each other. I believe that somehow we will end up together…it could be my emotions clouding things, I know this. But something inside me feels like I’ve met my match. We flow seamlessly together, our energy, our personalities, our views, our goals, our humour, our interests….

But for now I sit with a broken heart and puffy eyes, sleep deprived and knotted, feeling like he’s given up on something magical.

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