I wrote this in December but never posted it. Found it lingering in my drafts and decided to share:
There is this boy. Or rather “man” would be a more fitting term. Tall, green eyes, gentle soul with just enough rough edges for my liking. It’s a long story I don’t feel like explaining right now but I just need to write.
I feel out of sorts not being able to pick up my phone and share my stories with you. Or read yours and feel that silly smile play upon my lips as I picture having the conversation face to face. I’ve hardly known you for a time worth mentioning, but I can already picture your mannerisms.
I hardly know you yet I somehow do. Just like you know me. As we recognize something in each other that has drawn us into this. I thought I could keep my emotions in check. If anything I thought I might hurt you and was therefor treading carefully. Turns out I was the idiot to fall. Perhaps this was looking for trouble from the start. I said I would not contact you for these three inevitably long weeks; these 3 weeks which seem to now stretch even longer. I didn’t want to fall. I didn’t plan this. But now I have admitted it, my heart seems wont to take over and my head is filled with you. I worry that you will return having discovered you did not miss me. I wish I could switch it off. I wish you would message me and stop this narrative that runs through my brain and seeps into my heart.
This narrative that seeps and spills out in the form of tears when I think of how I put myself on the line. This vulnerability I allowed to show through the cracks which you created in my walls. More than anyone has been allowed to see for years. I thought today I should give it up…should carry on and ignore it all. I can switch it off. It won’t be so easy this time but I could do it. Let go now before I fall in deeper.
I want to see you. I want you to call me so that I can hear your voice. So that I can know you are thinking of me too. Are you? Are you missing me as much as I miss you. Have you thought of me today? Did you check your phone for my messages, like you said you’ve done so many times before? Only to find there were none…because I have to keep this promise. I have to because I respect you and I think you need this time. I’m hoping it will be time where you realize you are falling for me too but I cannot dictate that. All I can do is continue as I was but with hope lingering like morning dew on the spindly threads of a web.