Slipping

It’s funny how quickly we can dive back into habits. Habits we thought were gone. I’ve started restricting calories again. I’m a bloody beached whale at this point, sitting at 63 kg…that’s 139 lb. That’s disgusting. It all started after my laparoscopy in September. I was doing so well, I was fit and healthy and happy.

After my op it took 6 weeks to recover. I hate sitting still so ended up getting out a bit and most of it consisted of food. I was able to eat pretty much whatever I wanted for the first time in years without IBS issues. Seems endometriosis on the uterosacral ligament was mostly to blame. I still have IBS but it is so so mild in comparison. Yet I can’t help wishing it was back. How sick is that.

I am aware of these old patterns; these thoughts and behaviours. The self loathing every time I look in the mirror. The anger I feel when I get dressed and only fit into a select items. I was skinny. I was pretty. Now I feel like a sausage shoved into a too tight casing. I’m pretty vocal about wanting to lose a bit of weight, my friends and family know. My new boyfriend even paid for my personal trainer for a month (best ever!!). But they don’t know how deep this goes. I always just sort myself out and carry on. It’s who I am. So no one worries too much. It’s a blessing in disguise really. I’ve slowly been cutting down on meals over the last week or two. I am going away with my man and few friends this weekend and inside I have been squirming. Last thing I want to do is prance around in summery clothes and eat and drink. Definitely not feeling merry about it. At all.

So yesterday when I had my first training session I decided to seriously put my foot down. No more alcohol during the week. More exercise. Less food. Less fat. Less self loathing. Less. Less. Less. And what seems to be working over the last week or so is eating when I’m with people but not really eating by myself. I’ve been gorging myself since my operation. Actually binge eating would sum it up. I feel like I can’t stop and I eat until I am uncomfortable. And then I sit with my emetophobia which means there is no way I am throwing it all back up. I think that fear is the only reason I never became bulimic. Blessing in disguise I guess.

So this week I want to lose as much as possible. I can’t quite do the no food at all thing so I have been using old tactics like drinking water (lots), eating slowly, smaller bites, smaller portions, stopping the minute I feel a bit full. I’m typing this and it sounds ridiculous…Hi Ana, welcome back. Do people ever recover fully from an eating disorder?? I’ve been battling this now for more years than I care to remember. Right now it’s like a war in my head…On one hand I know this is so stupid but on the other I am so glad Ana is on my side because I can just flick a switch and I’m back at the game of being able to lose weight like a pro. I have something no one else does. I have this invincible self control that the gluttonous world lacks.

I just need to fit into my clothes again. I refuse to buy new stuff. So my goal weight is 58kg (127.8 lb). That’s where I was before the op and that is where I want to be again.

Yesterday looked like this:
wake up. big glass of water. 1 hour training session. Shower, faff around a bit.
Breakfast at around 11am – half a homemade protein smoothie and 1/4 cup muesli (315 odd calories)
More water.
Lunch (2pm or so) – 1 cup steamed carrot and broccoli, 1 small chicken breast. I didn’t finish it.
Water.
Off to the mall to run errands.
Water.
6:30pm first tea of the day – rooibos with 1 flat sugar.
Water.
Supper was around 9pm. I was at a friends and agreed to cook for her. Made chicken breasts in a creamy sauce with onion, garlic and peppadew. Plus sauteed broccoli and carrots. I had maybe half a chicken breast and about 2/3 cup of veg and was stuffed. Then I had to be guinea pig for my friend who was trying out a whiskey chocolate truffle recipe for Valentine’s Day. I had one…and then another. And then had a teaspoon more from the bowl. Was tempted to get home and exercise but was actually just too tired by the time I got in. I took one of my colon cleanse tablets this morning instead and made sure I walked the dogs before breakfast. I also now have a fitness tracker on loan from the new man. It’s a cheapie version but it counts my steps and it logs the amount of calories burned plus it tracks sleep patterns. All I need right now.

Right, this is turning into a long blathering post already. I have a feeling I might be writing again later…