Old Habits Die Hard

I just logged my calories for the day: 832 apparently.
Step count: 8850
Calories burned: 1841

I walked on the beach with the dogs this morning, then did 30 minutes yoga this eve and ran 2km on the beach afterwards. Got back to the house and was hungry but not horribly. I showered and pottered around then made half a multiseed wrap with one chicken leg, 2 tablespoons haricot beans, a handful of rocket/watercress/baby spinach mix, 2 pieces of broccoli and a teaspoon of wholegrain mustard. I also added a few blueberries on the side and made a cup of rooibos tea. I ate the chicken and veg, left half the beans and the wrap. Also ate the blueberries and drank the tea. I feel so utterly stuffed and bloated now. Actually feel a bit sick.

It’s weird how it’s only been two days of strictly watching calories and already my body has has fallen into the pattern it’s been subjected to all these years. I felt far better hungry than I do now. In fact feeling empty is already a comfort after such a short time. I thought this would be harder. I thought trying to lose weight would be a slog of weeks of trying to shrink my stomach again. hhmm, who knew it only took two days.

I don’t want to stop eating completely and I really don’t want to get skeletal, but these kg’s I have put on over the holidays are disgusting. I look in the mirror and it’s reached a point where I’ve started putting on weight on my stomach. Besides the normal endo belly I now look even worse. I have those funny saddle bag pockets of fat on my upper thighs (my WORST nightmare!). I just want to fit back into my size 8 jeans 😦

My new boyfriend (I’m going to have to come up with a name for him) is really into fitness and I guess I feel I also want to make him proud. We met in October when I was still around 59kg’s and it’s like I’ve ballooned in the short time I’ve known him. I don’t want to be THAT girl. The one who lets herself go. And I remember my ex once commenting on his ex when we saw her at a party, gloating that she had put on weight. I don’t want to be that girl either. I want to be skinny and have muscle definition. None of this soft, wobbly body fat. Never mind that I am studying nutrition and let’s face it, no one wants to see a fat nutritionist. If I can’t even stick to my own advice how will others? Argh…I’ve regressed. I know this. I know. I know. I know. But I have to lose weight. I need to get back to 58kg. I was happy at that weight and felt good about myself.

Bleugh, my stomach hates me right now. I just keep wondering if that chicken was still okay. It was cooked on Saturday night. Wow…funny how my food phobia is so predominant all of a sudden. Thoughts like that haven’t crossed my mind so blatantly in ages.

Anyway, I need sleep. And perhaps an episode of my current series to distract me.

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