Heart-Words of Uncertainty

I miss you like the earth misses the kiss of the sun. My heart longing to be held in your arms, enveloped in the soft warmth of your being, hearing your smile play on your words as we stay up for hours talking. Time melting and the world stopping until there is only us, this moment, our heartbeats and our word-love.

I dream of your return, the uncertainty of what you will say plays in my mind like a video looped for hours and days and weeks…three weeks. Three weeks for my mind to run scenarios: You don’t want me. You do want me. You’re not ready. You love me. You’re too scared. You’ll take this leap into the unknown and hold my hand whilst I jump with you into an abyss of feelings neither of us planned or feel prepared for. You walk away from this, both our hearts sore but knowing you cannot commit and this part of our journey must end.

Just writing that tears at my heart. Tears threatening. I did not want this. I have not allowed myself vulnerability like this in many years. Crenelations built around my emotions like rich castles of self-preservation after many years of heart-ache and abuse. Even in a three year relationship I stayed in my castle, allowing only tiny cracks of emotion to shine through. Three…why does it always happen to be three.

I am unsure how to deal with the feelings swirling around inside. I have things to keep me busy; my life is rich with meaning and goals but now they feel overshadowed and preoccupied by you. I do not like the in-between. The waiting, the not knowing, the unsure footing as I walk through each day. I like lists and definition and lines…even wavy lines…but lines none the less. I like clarity and knowing. I do not like feeling like I am hanging in suspended time without knowing what awaits. Like standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to jump but unable to see through the heavy mist. Will there be thorns at the bottom or luscious green grass? I think I have already jumped, am plummeting through the air beyond the ledge. Maybe this is worse: the feeling of never ending falling and only in three weeks will I know whether I land in thorns or grass.

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