I haven’t posted in ages. I was driving the other day and realized that my need for this blog has slowly trickled away. I started this in order to vent, to keep track of what was going on, to unravel those knots I was grappling with, to make sense of the labels I had swimming around my head. The last 2 years have been full of incredible growth and I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I still have so much more to learn but it’s so weird how I feel like I have finally integrated some of those knots into my being and successfully untied the ones that did not serve me.
I am 27 years old and I have IBS, endometriosis, possible PCOS (I’ll find out on 5 November). I may not be able to have children. I’m okay with that. I go through cycles of pain which I have learned to cope with using distraction and positivity. I am still learning to ask for help when I need it. I am still learning not to push myself so hard when my body needs rest.
I have borderline personality disorder. I was diagnosed in 2012 and 3 years later my therapist says I hardly fit the profile anymore. I have worked hard on unravelling this knot. I think I have worked out most of it. I no longer give a crap if people think I am a little odd and for the most part I understand boundaries and ‘normal’ human interactions. I still have moments where I feel confused and don’t understand certain behaviours or why someone is upset about my behaviour when it seemed perfectly acceptable to me. I sometime have moments where I go into ‘fear of abandonment’ mode but I am very aware of it. However it’s a little bit more difficult to pull myself out of what I like to call “borderline” mode…my body feels like it is buzzing with emotion, full of electric current and I feel destructive. I went into this mode on Sunday and suddenly wanted to get drunk, drive fast, smoke up a storm, randomly have sex with someone, etc. Luckily I was with this guy who was able to calm me out of it…gosh do I need to tell you about this boy. I’ll write another post on him. Although he was the one that triggered the borderline mode in the first place.
I also suffer from generalized anxiety. I am actually beginning to think of it as a positive thing; channeling this frenetic energy into life instead of withdrawing and allowing it to fill me with fear. It’s strange but I kind of like that my mind functions on such a high level and that I can sleep 5 hours a night and jump out of bed in the morning ready to do a hundred things. Suddenly some of my friends are struggling to keep up with me. It’s weird because I spent so much time hibernating and doing nothing when I was in my relationship. All that energy build up, no wonder I was so unhappy. I am learning to listen to my body when that energy starts to feel a bit low, so that I don’t burn out. Like this Saturday, I realized I was starting to feel very worn out, so I had a really relaxing day on my own. No one else’s energy, just me and some sunshine and some series 🙂 I do need to learn how to channel this more productively though. I tend to be a bit scattered. Too many projects instead of focusing on one or two.
Since my break-up I have also learned to let go a bit more. I never thought I’d say that but I have been far more ‘in the moment’. There is a balance that I am finding here too; between living in the moment and also making sure I am still setting goals and taking steps to achieve them.
I am a recovering anorexic. I am quirky. I love dressing up. I love to laugh. I hate mushrooms. I completely dislike the games which humans play. I don’t understand why people do it. Sometime I speak and a bitch comes out. I hate her. I love to write. I am good at writing. I am a poet. I am a dreamer. I am fascinated by science and how the world works. I am obsessed with making the world a better place. I am highly emotional. I am an empath. I like male attention. I hold myself to ridiculously high standards. I guess I am an A type personality mixed with a scattered artist. It’s a constant tussle of wanting to be on time but running late, wanting to earn buckets of money and live in a big house but wanting to have no possessions and travel the world with a notebook and guitar (I can’t even play guitar haha). I love too much too soon. But I can also cut off my emotions like a pro…a bonus to black and white borderline brain, lol. I have never felt at home here on earth, I long for somewhere I’ve never been. I believe in reincarnation. I don’t believe that war solves anything. I love sarcasm and dark humour. I know who “me” is and I love it. For the first time in my life…I love me, I am okay one my own…in fact I love the freedom. I still feel afraid and I still feel a bit lost but that’s also okay. I think that’s human.
I have to run now. Planning a little surprise party for this boy who has wormed his way into my life. He’s 23 today.