So that’s it. I am now forced to stay in bed thanks to overdoing it. Late nights, too much smoking, junk food…and now I have a flu from hell with a nice chest cough. My whole body aches and my head feels like it wants to explode. And thanks to all the coughing, my post-lap pelvis is paining like a bitch.
Serves me right. I’m in a totally cynical mood, sarcasm for days. Biting people’s heads off. Suddenly I’ve got time to lie around and I’m like…”what the actual fuck am I doing with my life?”
Since my breakup a little over two months ago I have just been living for the moment. I have spent my whole life saving for something, playing it safe, worrying about money and being the responsible one. I realized that this is mostly what has caused my anxiety because since living in the moment and worrying less about ‘doing the right/responsible thing’ all the time, I have been happier. Panic attacks are rare. My stomach has calmed down. I have more energy and laugh more. I love being up for adventure. I love saying “yes, I’ll spend that money and go away for the weekend” or “come let’s go for lunch” or “I love that top and bikini, let’s buy it”. It may sound irresponsible and I guess it is on some level but I have been responsible since my early teens. I have always held shit together. Always saved for tomorrow, hardly spending any of the money I work so hard for. What’s the point in earning the money if I never have the chance to enjoy it?!
I know I need to save for the UK and my studies have gone to shit. So in that regard, I need to pull my socks up. I also start a 10 week nutrition diploma in a week. I need to sort out the paperwork to send off for my UK passport too. And I have written rough drafts for the makeup/self-esteem workshops I want to start doing. Plus I need to finally finish off my makeup course project and get my certificate…like a year overdue!
Also I’m hooking up with a 22 year old guy. Hmm…I am 27 and my little brother is older than him, so it’s a bit of an odd concept for me. But he is just such a cool soul. An old soul. And we have such a lot of fun together. Obviously this cannot become anything serious. He is still waiting tables at a restaurant and is soon leaving that for a bar job. He parties a lot and the crowd, although ranging in ages from 22 – 35, smoke a lot of weed and do some other rather random illegal drugs. Recreationally. But still. Not something I fully agree with, so I generally let them do their thing whilst I drink my tea or hot water. I am fully capable of getting a kick from other’s energy. Guess it’s one of the up sides of being an empath.
Ok, I’m tired now and this coughing has got me aching all over. Time to lie back down. To be continued…