Fuckfuckfuck…I am in trouble. I am at J’s place, spent the night. Two things are wrong now:
A) I have to go home shortly and my mother is probably going to ask where I’ve been…erm, “well I had sex with J and then we kinda fell asleep.” might not fly so well. Granted at 27 I am an adult but it’s still awkward as fuck.
B) I have feelings for this guy.
C) I seem to be writing a lot of lists lately…
I like this guy. I may be falling for him. This is NOT good. He said he doesn’t want more than this chilled vibe. But his actions confuse me. The messaging every day, inviting me out, etc. Putting his arm around me or kissing me in public. And last night he snuggled me. Fuck. He said we must be honest if feelings change, said maybe we step back for a week or so if I feel more…but I can’t. Jeesus this is a mess. The thought of not seeing him scares me because I’d miss him. I don’t want to miss him. But at the same time I like not having to answer to anyone. Yet I wanted to cry when he said maybe we need to step back. Is this a transfer of my breakup emotions? Or is it too much rejection in a short space of time?
This guy is so much of what I have wanted. Long before I broke up with my ex I’d been writting a list of what I’m really looking for in a guy…and then he shows up…emotionally unavailable. He’s been through so much, he’s a recovering addict, he understands a lot of where I’ve been as I understand a lot of where he’s been. Oh god this is a mess. I don’t know what to do. I should step back but I can’t seem to do it. It seems to require more strength than I have right now. And I’ve lost interest in other guys.
Oh you stupid girl. Why do I do this to myself?!