Today’s Card

I’m confused. Or maybe I’m not.

…and I think that statement confirmed that I am confused?

Ok let’s backtrack a second. So after acknowledging my emotions popping up in the form of my eating disorder I have managed to deal with the thoughts. I won’t say I’m 100’s but I it helps that I am aware of it being a physical manifestation of my emotional state. Lesson learned – check.

Moving on. This guy I previously mentioned, I called him J. Well I am being a little floored and I will tell you why:
A) He messages me every day to find out how my day is/has been and is genuinely interested. Odd thing is, I am really interested in his day too. I mean…every day?! Yes…every. single. day. I am legitimately interested in learning about his experiences. And he listens and comments on mine.
B) He phones me. To either let me know if plans have changed or to continue our text conversation.
C) Chivalry is not dead. He opens the car door for me first, he invites me out and pays for supper…he just has manners for heavens sake. Which shouldn’t be such a rare thing but it is.
D) I cannot stop thinking about him. He’s even been in my dreams a few times (in a totally not weird way). Funny thing is we were chatting the other day and he told me I’d featured in his dreams a few times. I didn’t mention that he’d featured in mine.
E) I could fall for this guy.

I think that’s the biggest thing going on here. To the outside world I am one month single. Reading over old posts I can tell you I have been single for a good year already. People are talking, as they will in a small town, but J and I had a great chat last weekend about labels and people and such. We are having a casual…affair? Fling? Thingamabob. He said he doesn’t want me to feel trapped at any point and if any feelings change we must just be honest with each other. Cool. Deal.

Problem is on one hand I feel I should be single for a while. I’m scared as hell of feeling trapped like I did with my ex. Of having to answer to somebody again. Of not being free. But on the other hand I am feeling possessive over J. Jealous if I think of him with other girls. And a bit awkward at the moment because I am unsure what is acceptable behaviour and what isn’t. I don’t know if this is the borderline aspect playing a part because I never know if I am being too clingy or too distant, I’m unsure of how to read human signals! Lol…not that I’m not human; you borderline folk will understand. Am I being normal?! How do ‘normal’ people navigate this shit?! What is dating? What is life even?!!

Okay am done with mini freak-out. Oh man oh man oh man. So the point of this post was because I just pulled a card from my deck and it was ‘Beyond Illusion”.
“This card reminds us not to look outside for what is real, but to look within. When we focus on externals, we too often get caught up in judgements – this is good, this is bad, I want this, I don’t want that. These judgements keep us trapped in our illusions, our old habits and patterns. Drop your opinionated mind, move inside. There you can relax into your own deepest truth…”

Right…thank you guides. Look inside for the answer. Sadly, this is the truth…pity my ‘inside’ is just as confused.


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