Emotional/Physical Manifestations

I knew it. Did I not mention in a previous post that something would manifest after this breakup because I seem to be dealing with it so well? Yes I did.

It’s showing face in the form of Ana again. WHY?! Why is it always goddamn food. Pffft. I noticed I’ve been bit more tetchy around food and yesterday I ordered a roast veg wrap but instead of the wrap I asked for 100% rye bread. I also made sure it contained no mushrooms. Then it arrives and the roast veg is literally brinjal and peppers…neither of which I eat. I didn’t really know what to do, then one waitress was making suggestions and apologizing and another waitress came up (obviously head waitress) and was saying they could replace the roast veg with other roast veg that I can eat and I just started getting all stressed out and next minute I just want to escape my skin or cry or scream. I told them to please just put it in a takeaway and my dad said he would eat it for lunch later. I didn’t eat. I didn’t let myself cry either.

I got home and made myself a slice of rye with avo, an egg, a slice tomato and a bit of rocket/watercress mix. I felt calmer.

On Sunday night my mum and brother and I had decided that this week we were going back to clean eating, so no junk in the house. For me this means no wheat and cutting back on sugar. Fine. Except last night I met this guy for a drink. I had planned to just go for a drink and then come home and eat my leftover stir-fry veg but next minute he asks for menus. It was already a bit awkward and I felt bad if I left after only half an hour so I figured I’d stay for supper. The menu is not extensive and a lot of it contains wheat…veg and noodles, burgers, pizza, battered fish…see my dilemma. So I just thought, “to hell with it” and ordered a pizza. Wise move idiot.

My body desperately hates me again because after the breakup I have been struggling to sleep, partying until all hours, smoking cigarette after cigarette. I’ve started having the occasional drink and I’ve been eating whatever the fuck I feel like. I was fine for the first week, slowly started feeling off again in the second week and then it’s just been constant nausea and bloating and tiredness. On top of that I picked up the flu and was man down from last Thursday until Sunday. Just before that I had a herpes flare up and my period and now this week I’ve developed a yeast infection and dizziness on top of the nausea. I hardly feel hungry but am forcing myself to eat meals and then I generally eat whatever is easiest. Not totally unhealthy but things like rusks or pizza or rye bread with whatever (carbs carbs carbs my dear). At least I’m still having my smoothie every morning, come hell or high water I don’t think that will change. I’m addicted, lol.

So anyway, I had 3 slices pizza last night and felt a bit sick and sluggish. I also felt guilty, remorseful, a tad angry at myself for not just ordering a stupid salad or a burger without the roll. This morning I thought, it’s cool, today is a new day. But what do I do…oooh I go and stuff a slice of fecking pizza in my face about 2 hours after my smoothie. Way to go self control!

So I think this is the manifestation happening right here. I am so cross with myself when I know I shouldn’t be. So I slipped up a little, I’ve done it before and I know to just make a wiser choice for the next meal. One meal at a time. But for some reason my calm and acceptance is gone and that voice is shouting at me today. Horrible bitch Ana is. Also the past year of hard work, of clean eating and getting better, is now shot and I feel like I did right in the beginning. I think that’s also why I am cross. Cross with myself for undoing so much hard work.

Now I want to sit down and write out a healthy meal plan. THAT IS IT! NO WHEAT!! Veg based, less meat (well, chicken and fish), more exercise. I feel like I’ve put on weight and I don’t like it. I’m working out now, I should not be feeling fatter. More rolls on my stomach when I sit down. I should be building abs not rolls!

Gosh I’m tired, I think I need to lie down. Been having a mild anxiety rush for the last hour or two. Doesn’t help that this week is super busy at work. I have a To-Do list the length of my forearm.

Well, I know this pattern, I’m not new to it. So let me plan my meals. Maybe sign up for this health community I found on Facebook which can help keep me on track. Finding healthy buddies might be a good option. Otherwise I know I’ll retreat into my own world and Ana will get stronger.

Here goes…wish me luck.

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