It’s been 3 weeks today. I’ve had two dreams about him this week and woke up feeling fine. I looked through pictures online and deleted most…and felt fine. No heartache. No regrets. No loneliness.
I think I’m more bothered by that more than anything else. I feel a bit like Dexter! Well, no, that’s a lie. I feel excitement and happiness and at the moment, some butterflies. Oh I don’t need to hide on here…a whole lot of butterflies. And confusion.
Yes, there’s this guy. An old school friend of mine. And suddenly it’s like a veil was lifted and we’ve seen each other for the first time. I mean…how?! I’ve known him for years. And then I get thinking about how rarely I’ve been single. How every time I’m single another partner pops up with all the perfect traits to help me on the next leg of my journey. Always perfect. And in walks…let’s call him J.
So J took me to the movies. He organised it and paid and drove. He kissed me under the stars and we chatted for hours about everything and anything. He told me I’m beautiful. I needed some rebound fun last week and figured he was perfect. I didn’t expect to hear from him. I didn’t expect to get a message every day telling me to have a great one or asking how things are…and finding out I want to chat in return. I didn’t expect to be kissed again. In public. And to not care because we were both grinning our heads off and laughing. He’s thoughtful and respectful and attentive. I didn’t expect to feel like I had stepped into a movie. I didn’t expect to feel.
He’s tall, his hands double the size of mine…he can pick me up like I weigh nothing, or envelope me in his awesome bear hugs. He’s a recovering addict and one of the team leaders at NA, helping others on their recovery. And because of his journey he is mature. He knows who he is and he has a busy, meaningful life. He’s close to his family. Oh and he’s not bad looking 😛 he has tattoo’s, and stretchers in his ears, two things I find disgustingly attractive….as in weak-in-the-knees attractive. And the bluest eyes!
But the whole time I’m questioning. I’m confused and keep telling myself to cut contact…what will people think?! I’m probably just displacing emotions. I’m fighting this. But then a good friend of mine said ‘you only live once. If you feel it then go ahead and follow your heart.’ And a few people have said they knew I’d let go of my ex a long time ago.
I did a card reading (Osho Zen Tarot) asking ‘what do I need to know right now?’ And it was interesting to say the least. Lots about freedom, that the cage was never real and all I need to do is spread my wings and the endless sky is mine. A note about not getting lazy as this is not the final destination. Notes about armour and not to build a fortress around myself. And my ‘past card’ was the same card that represented my ex in my previous reading. Then I got a card of two trees with branches entwined but separate roots and when I asked for a confirmation card I got ‘Trust’…just leap. Take a chance and trust that everything is as it should be. It was one of the most beautiful readings I’ve had in ages actually.
So anyway…I’m trying to not feel this but I really really like this guy so I’m going with the flow. There is a tiny part of me that feels suspicious and wants to create that fortress or suit of armour…but I’ve never been one to shut my heart off like that…I did to an extent for the last 2 years and it was like a piece of me was dead inside. I need to love. My big heart is something I didn’t realize was so much of what makes me feel alive and happy!
Going with the flow. Whatever this all is, I always trust that I am right where I am meant to be. The universe has not been wrong yet…