It’s sad when those you loved inflict pain on you in order to numb their own. It’s sad when they prove that perhaps they were the person you saw on the surface instead of the potential you saw within. It’s sad when even after a life changing experience they simply build their walls higher and spiral further down.
I cannot explain the emotional pain I am in right now, the hurt that is making me shiver and shake, that is making me want to cry and scream and cut, and whatever else will numb my being enough so that I can escape. I cannot explain the knots in my stomach that have not allowed me to eat today. Or the desperate need in me to smoke cigarette after cigarette. He has hurt me today more than I thought possible. From ‘I still love you’ to getting his whole family involved and speaking to me instead of approaching me like an adult. As if the rejection of a broken relationship was not enough, he had to make sure I really felt it. Because he cannot deal with his own pain he decided to turn on me.
I did not deserve this. I go between wondering where I went wrong to realizing that I did all that I could. And back to wondering what I did to make him hate me so. I had to remove him off Facebook. If this is how he is processing then I know what is coming next. Hook ups and photos of nights out. I do not want to see that. I do not want to be involved in his attempt at inflicting more pain in order to numb himself. I owe it to my sanity.
But god this hurts. And I never would’ve believed, when we broke up exactly a week ago that he would pull a 180 like this. And a part of me is so angry that I hope he does hurt. I hope he continues to dig this hole and to feel the suffering. I am not lashing out at him. Instead I will simply continue to work from a place of love. It’s hard. Jeesus it’s so hard. But I know that if I keep my integrity that I will not have to look back on this time and regret it like he probably will. And perhaps that angry side of me knows that if I continue to be kind, he will hurt more. It’s malicious I know. I wish it wasn’t. But after the stunt he pulled today I am in more emotional pain than I have felt since I tried to commit suicide. I won’t go down that road again of course. I am more than that. I am stronger. And I have not gone through all I have in order to go back to that place. Especially not for some guy who is simply incapable of dealing with his own hurt.
Right now I feel like the slightest shake will shatter me. So I will take it hour by hour. I will remind myself of my goals and that letting myself slide back will only prove that I am the person he made me out to be. The person I was but whom I slowly outgrew in these last few years..or perhaps mostly in this last year if I am honest.
I need another cigarette. And then I am going out and I am getting mildly drunk and having a good time with some of the amazing friends I have supporting me. And I will try not to think of the stuff I know he is probably doing…I will try to remember that he only hurt me like this because he is hurt. I will try not to go down the rabbit hole again. One hour at a time…