Day 5

All I want is you. Not the walls up, cut off you, but the you that I know is behind those walls. The you that I glimpsed when we first started dating.

Now there are rocks in my stomach and a tightening band around my heart. I’ve hardly cried, it’s like I’ve taken some bricks from your walls and built my own fortress. Keeping it all locked away so I don’t have to feel the heart wrenching pain wash over me. Sometimes it threatens to take over and I shake uncontrollably. I’ve probably smoked more in these last few days than I have in months. The worst part is that this probably could’ve been avoided. If you’d stepped up and tried like I have tried for the past year, then perhaps things would’ve been different. I’m not saying I had no part. I started shutting you out too. I started getting angry and agitated because it was easier than being feeling the pain. We acted and reacted to each other and it went around in circles. I communicated where I could. I told you what I needed but you couldn’t tell me what you needed. It was a dead end because until you know what you need or want from a partner, or even from yourself, there was no going forward. Stuck. Stagnant. Frustrated.

Yet I think of you constantly. I check to see if you’ve been online…you’ve been very quiet. You must be hurting too. You reached out to my best friend when you got drunk out of your skull and asked if you could meet for a chat sometime. I can only hope that this is some kind of attempt to find out where I’m at. That maybe you’ve realized what has happened. I’m hoping this was perhaps the scare that was needed to help you examine your part. I guess that holding on to that hope is keeping me stronger. And feeling like you still care makes me feel like perhaps it wasn’t all in vain. For so long I have felt like you didn’t care. Like I was just a part of the furniture. Like you saw me as unambitious and flaky and full of drama. You made me doubt myself. But taking the step to end it and being alone these days, seeing how I have handled this, I realize I am not the person you projected onto me. I am an explorer and an empath. My drama was not drama, it was growth and learning. It was attempts and failures and getting back up and trying again. It was navigating and going through acceptance of my illnesses. I am strong. I am stronger than even I knew. I think perhaps a lot of what you saw in me was a reflection of your own stuff. Your own beliefs and fears.

But still, I don’t know how I’ll feel if you give up. Yet I think I know that if you give up it has little to do with me but more to do with the fact that you are unready to start dismantling your walls.

I can do no more for you. It is now up to you to take control of your life and step up to become the person I see waiting inside.

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