3 days today. Feels like a lifetime, which is lame, ’cause 3 days really isn’t.
Breakups suck. They suck big hairy balls. But I have surprised even myself with how strong I have become. I was never strong enough by myself and would literally hole up in bed for days unable to function, barely eating, crying myself sick, and often having to self medicate. But this time, I don’t know, this time is different.
I have only allowed myself to cry for a bit and then I pick myself up, splash my face and carry on. I have thrown myself full force into work and studies and training and getting my website going again. The only hysterical crying moments I have had were on Sunday. One when I got into the shower in the morning because he would normally be there with me, pinching my bum, hugging me and washing me from head to toes. It always made me feel loved. And he always made me giggle with his silly shower antics. Then the other was when I went home from the house sitting job. I think it made the reality of it all sink in. Going home, unpacking my bags and knowing that I would normally be at his house, wrapped in his arms watching a movie. Or getting grumpy because he hadn’t made me tea. Also I kept myself so busy over the weekend that besides those two moments I didn’t allow myself time to think . Or feel.
I took an anti anxiety pill after wailing like a baby for about half an hour and invited the numbing bliss. I must’ve really exhausted myself because I fell asleep around 8:30pm and slept a solid 10 hours. Something I am literally unable to do under normal circumstances. I woke up feeling okay. Monday meant a week of distractions involving work, party planning, meeting new house sitting clients and starting my new training program.
When I feel that sadness and heart wrenching pain start to wash over me, my first instinct is to run. I want to escape my physical body, distract my mind, zone out…anything to avoid the ache and disappointment. I want to go over to his house and scream at him for building his walls so high and not letting me in. For being so utterly selfish. For refusing to grow. For not loving himself when I can so clearly see the beautiful soul full of endless potential. But I’ve said it many times, one cannot love someone’s potential, for who knows how many years you would live in unhappiness waiting for that potential to be realized. I also want to slap him for not knowing what he needed from me. If he could’ve told me what he needed, as I told him what I needed, we could’ve worked together on the relationship and grown closer not further apart.
I spent some time with my best friend yesterday. She’s been awesome, as she normally is (my other rock). And she told me he’d messaged her in the early hours of Sunday morning, drunk as heck. Numbing himself just like I was doing. And he asked if they could meet for a chat sometime. Now, the only logical reason he would contact my best friend is to find out what is going on in my world. It gave me hope. It made me feel stronger. Why? Because I am wondering if he has started to realize what has happened. Because maybe he expected drama and messages but I have been quiet and strong. Because perhaps he is realizing what a skewed view he has had of me for so long. I think he still sees me as I was, not as I have become. He did admit that he knows he did not treat me as he should have and that he is sorry. And he also opened up a bit during our breakup chat. Talk about too late 😦 All I wanted from him was too feel seen. To feel like I wasn’t last on his list. To be believed in and to have my dreams supported as I did his for all these years. I don’t think that was too much to ask. I think it is what everyone deserves. And I have my faults, I am not unaware or walking around with an inflated ego. The difference is that where I wanted feedback from him, where I wanted to grow and improve, he refused.
I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know where I will be in years to come, or where he will be… but I hope he finds himself. I hope he learns to love himself. Because I will always love him and I will always be thankful for the time with him. For the things I learned and the strength I gained.
They say everyone comes into our lives for a reason, and I have never doubted that one bit. But for now…my heart will ache.