That is the question…
I invited my boyfriend over to chat last night so we could try sort out this stagnation that has become our relationship. It had been 3 days of hell. Adrenaline coursing through my body, giving me stomach ache and sleepless nights. I love him but can I live with him? Is he right for me romantically or have we just become best friends as opposed to lovers? If I end it, what if it’s the biggest mistake of my life? What if I can’t cope with the pain? How will he react to our conversation? What if he wants to end it?
Then I’d made up my mind that yes, I should end it. We should not try and change people, everybody is perfect in their own way and if his perfect and mine don’t quite mesh then so be it. However, I say this, but he really does need to grow. In the 3 years we have been together I have done so much introspection (as I do) and I have grown and learned and tried and failed and tried again and succeeded. I told him I felt I had grown and he had not and he replied, “Well, not entirely true because you take 3 steps forward and then like 10 steps back.” Yes…and the point there was: at least I am moving. How else do we progress as human beings? And this is where I think some of our views and values may be totally different.
Good thing is he did admit he lives in a comfort zone and I detected a hint of admitting the fear or leaving it. I won’t write the whole long shpiel as we chatted for close on 3 hours but I observed his body language and really listened to what he was saying underneath it all.
He is young. He is a projector (look up Human Design) through and bloody through! At one point I just burst out laughing because I couldn’t believe how accurate it is (I did tell him this and he just smiled..he’s not really a big believer of ‘all that stuff’). He does not know himself very well. He has some self esteem issues. He buries himself in work and series in order to escape these feelings of inadequacy, his mum getting cancer and going through chemo last year, his dad committing suicide when he was 12, his ex girlfriend constantly belittling him, his brother being a drug addict and then recovering, losing friends, etc. He is good at what he does and by burying himself in it he feels like he is accomplishing something and boosts his self esteem. However, I said to him when things from his ex, a good 8 or so years ago, still keep coming up, then it’s obviously experiences he is not processing or has not dealt with.
So all this time I have thought what a together, stable, mature human being he is and it’s difficult to now see that he is actually struggling more than I am. He just wears his mask really well. Even with me…for nearly 3 years. How utterly exhausting that must be. And I love him even more for being such a soft-hearted soul but I am still unsure if this relationship can progress. I think I have taken him off the pedestal he was on. As I said, I do not want to change him. He needs to grow of his own accord, for his own sake. And I’ve heard him say before that yes he will be more proactive, yes he will open up to me a bit more, yes…but I said to him last night that I am tired of all the talk and no actions. So if his actions don’t match up then I am afraid there is nothing more that can be done. I also feel like perhaps I have outgrown him because of his stagnation. It’s sad. Argh. I don’t know. I’m probably sugar coating all of this right now.
Okay…aaaaaahhhh shake it off! Honesty:
I feel detached. I feel unexcited at continuing because I have a strong feeling that he will just be all talk again. I am hoping it won’t be so because I see his potential and I see the awesome, gentle, ambitious, caring, unsure soul underneath. But I cannot love somebodies potential.
We agreed to both brainstorm what we want in a relationship/partner and chat again on the weekend to reassess but after all this I still felt flat and unhappy.
I didn’t like some of his responses. There were a few moments where it felt like I was dealing with very childlike behaviour. His agitated response to where are we going? Why are we still in the same place we were 3 years ago? Are we going to move in together and if we can’t afford to right now why do I not even have a key to his place? He got a bit nasty about that one and said well why doesn’t he have a key to my place (erm..’cause I still live with my mum and he never wants to come stay over there anyway) and fine we’ll go get one this weekend then! Yes, thank you, that was so romantic, I cannot wait.
Also how he couldn’t really answer things like: Do you want kids one day? Do you believe in marriage? What do you need from me in this relationship? Is there anything that I do that I could work on?
He was either very vague or didn’t have a clue, and not for lack of trying. He really just didn’t know. This is a HUGE red flag that he doesn’t know himself.
I don’t know if I have the energy to continue. I am tired of mostly making the decisions, or pretty much always organizing things (social gatherings, going out for supper or a movie, etc). I am tired of needing romance and appreciation but not receiving it because he is so shut off and I think, is actually not emotionally mature enough to do. It would be so nice to be surprised with a love note or a candle lit bath or to hear “I believe in you” or “you look beautiful today”…or “you cooked me supper, thank you, it was so delicious”. I want to feel wanted. I want a deep connection…Okay before I go off on a tangent, the “what I want in a relationship/partner” will be another post.
Basically, I am tired and I don’t have much hope that things will change. Pessimistic? No…realistic. I know him…I just wish he knew himself.