I wish love were simple. I wish it didn’t come with complexities and heartache. I think I need to end my current relationship and not because I don’t love him but because I don’t think we bring out the best in each other. I love him. I love him so much. And I have tears streaming down my face as I write this because just the thought of not having him in my life leaves me heart-wrenchingly breatheless. How can you love someone but not be happy? Or feel somehow lonely and empty even though you are not?
You see, I am spiritual, ever-exploring, ever-growing, passionate, health conscious, mildly OCD, spontaneous, airy-fairy, romantic.
He is sturdy and grounded. It is part of what I love about him. He is 100% in the physical world. But this leads to him never questioning or searching for greater knowledge. He once said it, “Things are what they are, and that’s how it is.”
He is not health conscious. In fact, I have had to change my diet due to my health but have received no support from him. He says he will try stuff and, “sure we can eat healthier”, but when it comes to actually doing it then it’s a no go. I don’t hate him for it. He’s lucky he can live off of take aways, coffee and coke and not suffer debilitating stomach aches or headaches or nausea. Ok, I hate it a bit because I am jealous. And because he is insensitive about the diet I have to follow.
The above actually relates to another thing. He says a lot but rarely follows up with any action. “I must take a look at why your car is acting up/we must go watch that movie/yes let’s go away for a weekend/I must do this work tomorrow/etc”. Things get said over and over again but rarely get followed up by any action. I can count the number of actual dates we’ve been on, in 3 years, on one hand. Same as it’s been 3 years since he wanted to sell his car. 3 Years or more since he’s been looking for a place to buy and move into. This really gets to me because I am the kind of person who needs to get things done NOW. When I get something into my head I can immerse myself in it completely. In the beginning I liked that he slowed me down a bit because I needed his steadiness to my frantic energy. But I didn’t realize how stagnant it actually is.
He is not spiritual. He has no interest in reiki/energies/higher self/yoga/etc. He only half listens or glazes over completely when I talk about these things which form such a huge part of my being.
He has not once said he believes in my ability to study medicine or be successful in what I am pursuing. The one day I was totally brain fogged and was telling him how I was falling behind in my studies and it was stressing me out. His answer, “Well you must just sit down and focus.” I swear to god my eyeballs nearly fell out. In his defense he did follow up with something about he guesses it isn’t as easy as that.
But he is also quirky, loves snuggling, will help me when I am in need. Has sat with me in the ER at ridiculous hours of the morning. Has kissed me all over when I was feeling down. He helps me logic things out when I struggle in borderline mode. He makes me tea and hot water bottles when I ask (although mostly in his own time..which is frustrating), he looks at me with love, he calls me his sexy bum, he holds my hand in public, or locks eyes with me across a room and smiles, he makes me laugh even when I don’t want to, he rolls over in his sleep and wraps me in his velvety warmness. He insists on soaping me up and cleaning me in the shower, right down to my toes, touching me with such gentleness. He has sat and watched Gossip Girl with me. He has rubbed my feet when I have had a rough day.
I read through all these and realize that great snuggles and washing my toes might not weigh up against lack of support and inaction.
I don’t know if I can go through with it. Past relationships have ended because there was a really big element like alcohol abuse/drugs/emotional abuse/cheating…but this, this is so far from ending on a bitter note. This is a heart-wrenching, soul-aching decision that I feel not strong enough to be able to handle. And again I ask, how can you love someone so much and yet need to let them go? I have to ask myself if this is the man I picture myself marrying. And I don’t think I could. I think we’d be amazing friends and I never want to lose him completely, although I understand that in the beginning I would need to in order for us both to heal.
I don’t know. I just don’t know. I don’t feel strong enough. I don’t want to make this decision. I cannot hurt him and I don’t think I can face the hurt myself. The gaping hole where he should be. And if I let him go and realize it was a huge mistake? There is no going back. This isn’t like returning a pair of shoes only to later realize you actually liked them. Then you can go out and buy those shoes again. If I let him go then I have made my bed and I must lie in it. I wish there was some miracle answer, someone to tell me yes or no. Someone to show me what my future would be like without him and with him, so that I could know for sure I am not making the biggest mistake of my life…I’ve never properly broken up with anyone before…