I had every intention of following up on the freak out session last week but have not got around to it. Reason being the million other things that I’ve been navigating my way through.
So on top of the emotional freak out about this guy and my boyfriend and what it all means, I started with pains on my left hand side in between my lower ribs and hip bone. Every day it was there. My appetite was nearly non existent and by the time night came round the pain was the worst. But it was bearable. Along with this I was tired and on Wednesday I felt incredibly nauseous. I wasn’t sleeping properly because of the pains and aches and nausea and on Thursday night the pain had me doubled over a bit. I eventually got to sleep after contemplating a visit to the ER but am tired of ER and so just left it. On Friday morning I lay dead still scanning my body. Besides being exhausted I didn’t detect any pains. Then I got up and landed on the floor because the pain that shot through me was so bad it took my breath away. Doubled over I carried on to the loo to pee, as had been my original plan. I made it there and then back into bed practically crawling. So I messaged my boyfriend to see if he was working from home, which he wasn’t. I thought of messaging my best friend but she’s been super busy helping out an old boss with work and has hardly slept much in the last month herself. So I figured I’d stay in bed and just wait it out and see what happens. A while later I ventured up and was able to make a hot water bottle and then spent the day in bed watching series; after a gentle yoga session to stretch myself out a bit.
The pain went away until evening time when it crept back in. I went to a gig my brother was playing at a local restaurant and felt nauseous when I tried to eat supper. I nibbled at it and after a while was in so much pain that my eyes were watering. I ended up in the bathroom on the bench just so I didn’t embarrass myself further with writhing in my chair and clutching my side. Eventually my mum found me and said they were all leaving so she helped me up and back to the restaurant. My boyfriend took me home and on the way I said ER might be on the cards if it didn’t ease up. He just said he really doesn’t feel like going to the ER. I just looked at him, deadpan, and was like, “Well…unfortunately driving myself might be a bit of an issue right now.” I mean short of calling an ambulance, which seemed extremely over the top, how the fuck else was I going to get there? Did he really think I wanted to go? Tell you what buddy, here, have my pain and enjoy the ER because you obviously seem to think I find it fun. Like I want to go hang out in a gross, germ infested government hospital at that hour of the night. FFS.
Anyway, so there was that. I woke up okay on Saturday and the pain slowly faded away. But during all this I’d also developed the sharp pain in my left heel again from walking funny at some point and then it worked it’s way up into my left knee, which is currently resting on a hot water bottle and aching. I am still getting pains all around my abdomen and twinges in my ovaries and my neuropathy showed up today, tingling up my back and into my hands and legs. I didn’t study yesterday because I hardly slept on Sunday night but had to be up at 6am and off to Home Affairs. I got back from H/A and was SO tired I climbed straight into bed with some breakfast/lunch and then dozed for about 2 hours. I then had a meeting, had to walk the dogs and then off to a session with my mum who is currently doing a case study with me on rehabilitative yoga for stress and generalized anxiety. Woke up this morning and was fine, not hungry again but forced myself to have a smoothie for breakfast around 10am. Felt sick. Knee aching. Had appointment with my psychologist, had to sort out my mobile phone, get knee brace from my mum’s place, then back to the house I am house sitting. Battled to drive a bit on the way back due to knee but made it back and was utterly finished. Had some soup and watched an episode of current series, thinking I’d feel better and able to study after a short rest. Tried studying but it took me 45 minutes to go over worked examples of sigma notation. I couldn’t take anything in! The page was literally swimming in front of my eyes. I started crying and so ended up here, in bed, about to watch some more series when I thought I’d feel better if I vented it out.
To be honest I feel like my head is in a thick cloud. I keep blinking my eyes and shaking my head to try get rid of it. Am so sleepy but if I sleep now I’ll have another bad night so keeping myself up. And all the while stressing out because my studies are seriously falling behind. How am I going to do this…
How am I supposed to study medicine if I can’t even get through two high school subjects. I can’t study when my head is like this or when I’m in lots of pain but I am trying. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough. I don’t understand why my body is falling apart right now. I’ve been eating clean and doing gentle yoga and resting when I can but still I struggle. I don’t know what to do anymore 😥 And I have yin yoga tonight which I really don’t want to miss as I missed it last week already.
Such a bad day with this body of mine.