Freak Out and Confusion

I am sitting here, heart racing and feel utterly sick to my stomach. Why? Because I just found out my very best friend kissed someone I know. No..not know, like. Yes, I have a boyfriend whom I love and have been with for about 3 years, so this is weird. There was this guy that I have been friends with for a while and a bit more than a year ago I was not in a good space with my boyfriend and I felt alone and not very loved or even seen. And so this guy and I got really close and hung out a lot and messaged until all hours of the morning. After a while we both realized we were on dangerous ground and agreed to cut contact. I ask mutual friends, every so often, how he was doing and eventually, two months ago he popped in to a place I happened to be at. He has lost weight, changed his glasses for contacts, looked happier and healthier and we chatted for ages like no time had passed. I said it was great seeing him and we should do drinks sometime soon but I never contacted him because I was afraid. Because he was supposed to be leaving for a job overseas.

However, he got offered his dream job here and is staying. We are friends on Facebook so I kind of see updates and such. In a non stalker way, lol. It comes up on my feed and I didn’t unfollow because I liked that I could still see how he was doing and such.

I messaged him the other day to say congrats and let’s do celebratory drinks with the friends. So we did. I guess a part of me wanted to see him and say I don’t feel anything. I mean, how can I be in a 3 year, loving relationship but still feel like this for someone else. So some of our group of friends met up and this guy and I ended up chatting for ages again. We all chatted for ages but somehow there was still this connection. God it is SO unfair for everyone involved! Luckily I am the only one who knows, or at least I haven’t said anything because that would be even more unfair on my boyfriend and on this guy.

So last night my best friend messages me and asks, out of all our mutual male friends, which one could I most likely see her with. So I replied but then something just hit me. It was that gut-hit-by-a-rock feeling. It’s him. She’s been with him. She was with him. My mind raced and my heart felt funny and I told myself to stop running silly stories through my head as I didn’t know anything as a fact. I messaged her…it’s him isn’t it? This morning she replies, “He’s a great kisser.”

The actual fuck. My best friend and she knows the history. It’s like me going off and kissing her ex whom she was super hung up on and then texting her, oh by the way, he’s a great kisser. I read that line and my entire body went into shock. I honestly thought I would throw up. I mean, when this guy and I first started talking less I encouraged him to find someone and was happy when he went on a date or two. I was hoping he’d find someone amazing but MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND. I am still shaking. I know I am probably being selfish but I can’t deal with this. And it makes NO sense. Do I even love my boyfriend then, if this affects me like this? I feel like a traitor. A cheater. An emotional cheater.

I want to cry. What the hell is wrong with me. And how can I stop this…I cannot see my best friend and him together. It will break me. Actually, I feel pretty fucking broken now. I feel..betrayed. How the hell did she think I would react?! That I’d be happy because she’s so desperate that she crosses an unwritten friendship rule I would never dream of crossing!?
Is this normal? How can I feel all this and still love my boyfriend? Help?

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