I am in a place of acceptance at the moment. A place of gentleness, peace and space. I am hanging in these moments, one at a time, present in each. This is unusual for me, and isn’t to say I am not experiencing any anxiety or depression or pain, but simply that I feel like I am mostly observing these from an outside point of view. I woke up with a panic attack last night and have hardly slept yet I feel okay. I don’t feel irritated or like I cannot take on the day. And the pelvic pains that have started up ever so slightly again do not make me grit my teeth in anger and ‘why me?’ but rather make me feel a little happy. Happy because at least my body is showing some sign of life. I haven’t had a period since coming off Visanne two months ago and no cramps or twinges or pain. My IBS got worse and I’ve been battling more with my stomach. But I am becoming aware of patterns. How the medications seem to bring on the endo pain and suicidality but being off them brings the IBS and anxiety. I am becoming aware of my inner dialogue of hate and anger and fear; of punishing myself.
I don’t know if I owe this underlying peace to the fact that I have started doing yoga again, daily practice on my own and then a Yin class once a week. Or if it is because I am off all medication. Or because I have cut my dad out of my life after our massive argument (That’s another story). Or even if it is just a spiritual integration and acceptance process I have suddenly slipped into.
A few things that are amazing to me are the acceptance of my ‘weirdness’. Yes, I am an empath. Yes, I can sense spirits and sometimes have weird prophetic dreams. So I pick up on energies around me and reflect them back. My energy seems to push people into new growth and realization without me really doing anything. I am a bizarre catalyst, a healer and am somehow important in all this. I don’t think I’ve even spoken about my spirituality or ‘gifts’ in this blog because I had simply shut it all out. As a young child it was okay because kids have vivid imaginations and are a little odd, but as I got older I started realizing that people didn’t like me like that. I was bullied. I was called a weirdo and a loser. People avoided me. Made fun of me. And so I slowly learned that I was probably making it up. That maybe I was a little loopy and that I should not be that way. And so I blocked it all out. Mentally. But, for instance, being and empath means I am an empath no matter what I do. And so I have spent years and years of my life fighting off a fleet of emotions so intense that I thought I must be crazy. “How could I live my entire life like this! I can’t cope!” I’ve ended up in clinics, on all sorts of anti depressants and mood stabilizers and sleeping pills, anything to dull it all. And being in a clinic environment for a while…quiet, calm, ordered…I come out feeling new. Every time. Energetic and loving and ready to engage. But a year or two down the line I feel like I am bogged down in quicksand and, as quicksand is wont to do, the more I struggle the more it sucks me down. Accepting this part of my being has allowed me to silently shed some of this quicksand. It isn’t mine. Or a lot of it isn’t. I am not saying I discredit the stuff I carry around or the severe damage from my abusive past, but I acknowledge that a vast majority of emotions are not, or have never been, mine. That I can go from content to wanting to throw things or bawl my eyes out in a split second. It’s not madness, it’s me picking up on someone else’s stuff. And mentally blocking out the energy perception, the spirits, the dreams and above all, my intuition has not helped me at all. How can one live a happy life if the entire life is a lie? If inside, every day, you are fighting your very being?
I realized that I slowly started unlocking all this when I followed my mother’s advice that I might me good at natural medicine. She observed something in me that I couldn’t because I have been so disconnected from myself for so many years. It’s sad. I abused this body of mine because it wouldn’t allow me to be who I am, or this world wouldn’t and I associated the physical world with my physical body. I am still battling Ana’s voice in my head. I still have anxiety. I still feel really flat some days. In fact, on Monday I woke up so anxious and depressed that at first I didn’t know what to do with myself. So I got up and continued my routine. I did yoga, I fed myself, I brushed my hair, I studied. All the while this depression and anxiety was there but instead of judging it, instead of getting more upset and hating it, I simply observed it. I accepted it. Okay, today I feel like this. I don’t know exactly why but I’m sure I’ll feel better tomorrow. And I did.
I still feel like I could die tomorrow and leave this physical world without looking back, but I’ve mentioned before that that is simply something I will always have. I am more connected to the beyond than I feel I will ever be connected to this earth. Perhaps my biggest lesson in this lifetime is to fully experience and accept this physical form and all it’s crappy, painful, frustrating ‘perks’. I know I have been given this experience in order to help others. I know that medicine is what I need to be doing because even though it has already shown me difficulty and stress, I have not once thought of giving up like I normally would. My intuition is waking up and I am learning to listen.
I have also finally listened to this pull I have had to move to the UK. My whole life I have felt like I needed to go there. When I finished school the feeling got stronger. And for over 10 years I have ignored it. But now, the exciting news is that if all goes according to plan I will move there next year September. I don’t know why September, as I finish my exams in June, but that is the month that has simply popped up. Everything has already started falling into place. It is the most bizarre sensation, this flowing and trusting. I may finally be learning a bit of letting go!
So those are my recent insights. The reason I have been so quiet lately, because I have been trying to sort this all out in my head. I just hope I can stay connected to this feeling, to self, to awareness. And I encourage each one of you to find it too. What people don’t realize is that the majority of us have buried our true selves in order to accommodate the society we live in. I honestly think this is the root cause of most mental illnesses. And by chatting to others I have learned that most people are just longing to be who they really are. So…screw the world. We contribute nothing by being our masks but we can change the world by being our authentic selves…