Sick Dilemma

Went for breakfast with my dad and brother because it’s my brother’s birthday.  And now I feel so so sick. Im terrified of throwing up. This can’t happen. But it’s an inner battle of emetophobia and Ana wanting me to throw up because how could I eat after yesterday’s decision to stop eating like this.

I had half an omlette with avo, rocket, peppadews and mozzarella, and half a croissant with some butter and jam. And a mug of hot water with lemon. And then my bro got a choc brownie with a candle and I had the choc sauce off the plate…like a pig. Broke so many rules. No eating more than about my fist size, no eating off other’s plates or tasting their food, eat small bites slowly, stop just before full. Instead I was full after the half omlette and before the half a croissant and the chocolate sauce. Argh and the whole family is going out for supper tonight. At least we’re going clubbing after and thank heavens the endo pain is gone at the moment so I can dance like a lunatic.

Nausea bit less but now stuck on loo with awful IBS attack. Should’ve figured the nausea might be linked to that as well. Oh I wish my head would shut up. Too much goes on inside it aallll the time. Oh what I’d give to be normal.

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