A local gym was recruiting people in the shopping mall today and they had one of those cool machines that read body fat, muscle, weight, etc. So after chatting to them I had a reading…
So although my BMI is 20, I was disgusted to see my weight at 59.something kg (my dad pointed out I had just eaten lunch) and my body fat % was 25.4!!! Gross. Eew. Omg.
I felt sick. I still feel sick. How?! Oh wait I know how. Visanne and my ever grumbling stomach. So I went home and ate some chocolate. Logic of an ED. And now I’m sitting in the car feeling like a beached whale and trying to figure out how to lose that fat. I want to restrict. In fact I am convinced I won’t eat again today. But I know I’ll get home and my resolve will fade. How can I flip the switch again? How do I stop stuffing my face? It’s like I’ve become scared of hunger; I get anxious if I feel it and I just HAVE to eat. Perhaps it’s as a result of restricting before. My body’s ‘survival mode’. But I must find a way to stop this.
I’m exercising a little bit in the mornings, when I’m not too sore or horribly fatigued. But I want to do more! But I also have to listen to my body when it’s in pain or tells me to rest. It’s this ongoing war between chronic illness and ED that is driving me nuts.
I don’t know what to do. I need to lose weight. Now.