I totally logged in to write up some earth shattering revelations, but I got distracted by some posts by fellow bloggers and awaaay flies the insights of light bulb moments.
Right now I am feeling a bit ill with guilt over eating. This happens when one reads blogs about eating disorders in recovery. It’s funny because most of the time I can read them and be okay, rationalise it, sit with it, etc. But perhaps because it’s been a rough few weeks I’m a little more susceptible. Ah, and that was one of my light-bulb moments!
I was sitting down, finally, to get my head wrapped around some science studies. And I actually started understanding what was going on. My mother likens it to learning a new language, which it is, really, if you think about it. Anyway, here I am suddenly realising all is not lost after a week of stressing because it took me 5 days to complete one maths exercise (after 10 years I can’t remember basic things like fractions and quadratic equations and am now having to go back and refresh my brain on that on top of everything else), I am laughing and chatting with my mum and brother during supper, being silly and generally feeling quite light hearted. Which led me to think about the black cloud that was over my head this morning and why I feel better so suddenly. I noticed that my mood depends greatly on…ah it’s hard to put into words…my…perception of self? Basically, I’ve been on a bitch rampage for the last week because
A) I haven’t been doing well at my studies and was suddenly freaking out and wondering how on earth I will EVER become a doctor if I can’t even understand high school level or have the discipline to sit and study like I’m supposed to
B) I was in hospital for pain, then pain starts going and I’m hit with flu. Another weekend written off to flu and on the Sunday, as I start feeling a bit better, my stomach acts up and I spend the next 2 days battling nausea.
C) I am extremely frustrated with my eating and am trying not to think about it every time I shove food into my pie hole. I feel like less of a whale since 24/7 Visanne bloating wore off but I still bloat now and again, I can’t stop eating chocolate, I’m struggling to exercise because I’ve become so weak from all the bed rest and I keep thinking of all the kg’s I’ve piled on in the last few months.
D) I am tired of this faulty meat suit that is my body. I get cross when I can’t do things and am tired of relying on everyone. Is this what my life is going to be like?? I’m fed up of one thing after another, the cycles of fatigue or endo pain or IBS bullshit or herpes flare-ups and and and. I just want a break!!
So yes, have been flipping to bitch mode rather quickly lately. But then I realised I’m happy as a pig in shit when I do well at my studies, when I am able to get up and do things, when I make beautiful healthy meals and choose to eat that rather than rubbish, when I do yoga or manage some exercise…aaaand BINGO. When my self esteem is good because of external factors (thank you BPD) then I am nice and sweet and funny. But when my self esteem plummets then I turn into an angry bully. Because? Making others feel crap makes me feel better? No…it doesn’t. It makes me feel worse. I can see myself doing it and I want to stop because I hate what I’m doing, but I can’t. Am I re-affirming all the nasty things going around inside my head? So…’you’re fat/ugly/a failure/the world is out to get you/etc’…am I trying to prove that’s true? And then I go, “You SEE!! My life does suck/the world hates me/my body hates me/etc.” This is very interesting to me. I’m big on self discovery and this little insight has also made me realise just how much I rely on external factors for my self esteem. Again, thank you BPD.
Right, now I have to go. This flu has obviously stuffed up my middle ear vibes and I keep getting motion sickness when I’m on my laptop too long. I mean really now. I need to lie down…