I woke up at 5:15 this morning. And I woke up with that niggling, teary feeling of having got up on the wrong side of the bed. I tried to sleep but to no avail. Sleep hates me. So fine. I browse Facebook for a bit, see how everyone from school is doing. Oh, how successful. Some business owners now, some on exciting travel adventures or been and come back and now own a business or are managers or CEO’s. Oh look that one is married, this one is married with kids. Wait. A ton of them are married with or without kids. Smiling photo’s of happy families. More photo’s of travelling or actually living a wonderful life outside of this shithole country I live in. Wow my high school crush who rejected me horribly is now a model (who would’ve guessed) and is dating a blonde girl who looks like a cut and paste photoshop job from a magazine…except she isn’t photoshopped. Nice. Fuck me, look at that figure; cue Ana’s ‘you’re fat’ soliloquies. And look at how this one is into fitness and looks amazing. I should look like that. Ok, enough of Facebook. This sucks. Ana, I’m not listening to you.
I get up to make a cup of tea and get a rusk because by now my tummy is grumbling. But now Ana pops in fullforce (long time no see bitch), “Why are you eating you fat cow. Jeesus where has your self control gone! I leave you in relative peace for a few months and look at you. Nearly 60kg again. You’re disgusting. You could really loose a few. Just saying. ”
I ignore the urge to madly do star jumps or go sprinting around the flat like a lunatic and head to the kitchen. My mum is doing her normal morning yoga in the lounge as I put the kettle on. I want to switch the light on as it’s pretty dark but she says no. I’m like, dafuq? Fun fact: I’m night blind. Not just like, ‘ooh I can’t really see in the dark’ but like blind as a fucking bat. So I tell her I can’t see but no, she doesn’t want the light on for the few minutes it will take me to put a cup of tea together. So I think, fuck it (I am aware there is more than the normal quota of swearing in this post already) and storm back to bed, slam the door like a teenager, climb into my nest of bed covers, put some series on my laptop and procede to ball my eyes out. Why? WHO KNOWS! Who the actual fuck knows.
I’m hungry but Ana is glowering at me and not so kindly repeating how fat I’ve become. It’s the hormones you cow! I hate it as much as you do. I HATE that I have gone from 52kg to 58kg in the space of like 2 months (if that). I hate feeling hungry all the time now. I hate being too sore to properly exercise. And when I’m not too sore then I struggle because my fitness level has dropped so badly that I feel like shit when I try anyway. I can do 3 push ups. Yes. THREE, before my arms literally wobble like jelly. Sit-ups are ok as are leg work, thanks to still doing gentle yoga. But my legs still burn just walking up the stairs to work (there are a lot but I used to do it just fine). I’m wobbly and saggy and fat. I live in leggings and baggy jackets now. Thank god for winter. Or I have 2 baby doll style dresses, the ones with elastic under the bust and then all floaty over the 3-month-pregnant-bloated tummy and muffin tops. Also hides my gargantuan thighs.
And then I realise I’m also upset about my studies. Is this what triggered it all off? I started my maths work this week and it’s taken me 3 days to get through two basic exercises because I’m so slow and I’m having to remember stuff from nearly ten years ago. Then the answer booklet that I get from my correspondence school only has answers for every second question. Again, DAFUQ? So I’ll have answers for question one and all it’s little sub questions but not for question two. Then I’ll have the answers for question three but not four. Five but not six. You see. And it shows the working out so I can see where I’ve gone wrong. Only the exercises that aren’t in there are the harder questions containing decimals or fractions. What fucking twat wrote this answer manual? Oh wait. I live in South Africa. Nvm. There are answers in the back of the actual text book so I look to see if I at least have the answer right only to find out that every single question I had done yesterday was wrong. And I can’t figure out where I’m going wrong. So now I have to email the online tutor..except it takes 3 to 4 days, if not a week, for anyone to respond. I’m worried I move on and then confuse myself because I don’t understand the first exercises. But I also can’t wait too long to carry on. I also have to get through physics and chemistry, which I haven’t even started yet because I figure I need some basic maths back in my brain before that happens. So I feel like an idiot. And I’m stressing, wondering if I can do this. I’ve always been the ‘artsy’ one…what makes me think that I am smart enough to be a doctor?! All the what if’s running through my head. But I keep trying to remind myself that I can do this. I have a friend who can tutor me, I have online help, I have at least half the answers in the manual. It’s been nearly ten years…of course my brain is rusty. Argh. God I hope I can do this. I’ve told everyone I can so I better be able to.
Oh and did I mention I have flu now too? No? Well, I do. Which makes this even more fun. Tomorrow I will get up on the right side of the bed. Today may be a write off. And that’s okay. I could probably use yet another day in bed…you know, just one of the 360 days I spend in bed during the year anyway.