Who Am I

I’m sitting up in my bed and my stomach is going haywire. I was fine after supper and then I drank horlicks and suddenly felt really full and crampy. I keep thinking that maybe I’ve finally done it and eaten too much; enough to make me sick.

I’ve become such a glutton after Visanne. Piled on 6kg in 28 days. As an anorexic/EDNOS sufferer that is on and off recovery mode, this has done horrid things to my head and my self esteem. I’m bloated from my pelvic bone to my navel no matter the time of day. I wake up with it. I hate my body and hardly wear pretty clothes anymore.  Mostly because I can’t. Especially not tight fitting stuff. Anf most of my stuff is tight fitting now. Even my leggings dig in around this swollen abdomen of mine. It’s uncomfortable and feels like it will pop. And because I feel so disgusting I’ve gone from not eating to eating aallll the goddamn time. I’m my own worst nightmare…a fat glutton, no self control at all. Ugly and frumpy.  In pain most of the time. Unable to do proper physical exercise,  or go out much. Or have sex. Or be spontaneous and fun. Or do yoga. Or hula hoop. Or focus for long periods of time. Or go two days without popping pain pills.

Who is this person endo has turned me into?? I hate her. She’s fat and swollen and ugly. She has no control. No energy. No silliness. No carefree running around. No glitz. No glamour.
Frumpy, grumpy, crampy, crumply. Sleepy, weepy, needy, greedy.


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