Jealousy and Steps Forward

My younger brother. When will he stop haunting me. I am hardly even speaking to him at the moment and not because we’ve fought or he’s a terrible person but because I just cannot take the jealousy I feel towards him and the anger that is still simmering inside me towards the hand I have been dealt in life. He went to a studio and recorded some of his songs. He sounds amazing. Like something you’d hear on the radio. I hear the purity of his voice, the lyrics that I can so relate to…and I cry. Every single bloody time. I think how I wish my dad hadn’t sold my piano. How I wish I hadn’t let my self esteem stop me from singing or painting or working overseas and travelling. How I wish I had just been normal and been able to LIVE instead of spending my time in and out off clinics and in abusive relationships. Or in and out of jobs because I never felt good enough or couldn’t cope. And then all the chronic illness that has made me feel like my body is a prison. I know there is a reason for everything. I know. But it still sucks. And my brother is a huge trigger for me right now so I am avoiding him. How could he understand? His life hasn’t been all sunshine and roses but he has never had to go through half of what I have. Funny how you can have two kids, same family, totally different lives.

Anyway, That’s just something I must deal with and process. I don’t hate him. I’m just jealous. And jealousy is a horrid emotion.

Besides that, I’ve actually been feeling a little bit more in control of things. I booked an appointment with my naturopath next week. I’ve been researching natural methods of dealing with endo and pain. I also called my gynae and we had a long chat about Visanne. I told her I’ve been suffering bloating, ravenous hunger, fatigue, headaches and of course the fact that I’ve suddenly spiralled into suicidal depression in the 3 weeks I’ve been on it. She suggested introducing a bit of oestrogen to try lift my mood but that seemed a bit counter productive as that would then feed the endo. So I spoke to her about wanting to come off Visanne and then trying natural methods via my naturopath and a nutritionist. She said it sounded like a great idea. The plan is to finish this pack, weaning off by taking a pill every second morning so that my body can start adjusting. This will also allow my body time to start getting into the natural supplements and diet before I come off the hormones.

I have started to feel a bit of that weird heavy, pulling sensation again anyway. And since yesterday the headaches have been more intense and I have been quite nauseous. I’m looking forward to getting off the medication. My body doesn’t like chemical meds. It’s so weird but I seem to stump doctors. My body just doesn’t react like it should. So now I need to start listening to my gut instinct and going with what feels right to ME. Ever since I made the decision to go the natural route (which I think my intuition has been screaming at me to do) early this week I have been feeling…I don’t really know how to describe it…because I still feel down and like I don’t want to be here but I feel…heck…I don’t know…stronger? Maybe that’s the word I’m looking for. Reinforced? Lol. Something like that.

I have put a countdown widget on my blog for my lap surgery. Figure it will keep me motivated to see the time moving because it sure feels like it’s standing still at the moment! My pre-op is on the 8th September and the op is booked for the 14th.

Forward march!

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