I realise I haven’t been posting as much as I used to. I also realise this blog has almost become a “Dear Diary” bitch and moan space…which was never my intention. My intention was to inspire. To write about the things that get me through. To share experiences and connect with others in similar situations so that we could uplift one another. Instead I find my posts are dark and despairing and negative.
So today I have some light in the dark. It has not been a fun time. I have been slipping back into the grip of the dark black cloud which so often hovers nearby. In all honesty, trying to deal with all the hormones from Nuva Ring and then an endometriosis pre-diagnoses, being told I have to wait 5 months for the lap surgery because I can’t afford private care, having another doctor eyeball me like a lunatic and prescribe me IBS meds (AGAIN! I mean FFS), plus then switching to Visanne (a relatively new medication for endo with pages of side effects), hardly being able to work (I get paid by the hour so no work = no pay) leading to being broke and owing my dad and boyfriend money for medical bills I couldn’t cover, developing ravenous hunger thanks to Visanne and gaining weight which set off Ana’s screaming and therefor anxiety and guilt, then finally Visanne leading me all the way to feeling suicidal and crying and angry. I cut my finger on Saturday…normal statement, yes. Except I cut it on purpose so that I could “go get a plaster” in the bathroom which conveniently has a scale in it. THAT is not normal.
So I saw my therapist this morning and cried and cried and cried. And then I realised…I’m not helpless here. For heavens sake, pull yourself together! I can choose to not be on Visanne. I can choose to get off all the chemical crap and take control of this how I want. Is it not MY body? I tend to fall into victim mode. I know this. Everyone around me knows this. But it takes a while before I click and go..hang on, I’m not a victim here. I don’t have to do what they tell me. There isn’t only one road leading to Rome…ALL roads lead to Rome. Right? Right.
So I am waiting for a call back from my Gynae. Going off Visanne means I am going to be in a lot of pain again. At least I am prepared. I also hear that coming off of it is a nightmare emotionally speaking. But it can’t be worse than the space I’m in now and at least my therapist is aware and will be monitoring me from the sidelines. I also realised that if I want to study natural medicine I damn well better start putting it into practice in my own life. So I am researching all the natural methods of healing and managing endo. Caster oil packs, ginger, turmeric, mustard/epsom salt baths, supplements, cannabis oil for pain, and so on.
Between my tears my therapist and I put together an action plan:
1) chat to gynae and get off Visanne
2) sell my sewing machine
3) use the money to go back to my naturopath and revisit the supplements I was given and look at how to manage endo naturally
4) see a nutritionist/holistically minded dietician and get a grain free, sugar free, anti-inflammatory meal plan. I do not need to be navigating my eating on top of all of this.
5) start doing meditation, even if short, every morning
6) start doing yoga again. I stopped because of the pain but even a tiny bit of gentle yoga is better than nothing. If yoga is not an option, then a walk on the beach or the field nearby will do.
7) manage these 5 months until my op in the best way I can using above methods and methods I have previously learned to help ease anxiety and avoid triggers – baths, reading, giving myself permission to rest and also being gentle and kind towards myself.
I put a lot of pressure on myself and I feel like a total failure at life 99% of the time. I don’t know how to stop this pattern. I have always pushed myself above and beyond. It’s just who I am. Being sick like this has been something I have ignored. Denial is life’s most underrated skill in my opinion! But, denial also leads to falling on one’s face eventually. I have pulled out my You Can Heal Your Life book and my friend passed on her copy of Anatomy of the spirit, which I am busy reading.
I hate myself right now. I hate life and I hate my body and I just generally hate everything. But I know it’s mostly the hormones talking. And if I can hold on long enough to get off them and start getting myself back to some kind of ‘normal’, then I will be okay. And I should probably open up to one or two people around me so they know I haven’t just become a cranky bitch, I’m scared and although not in pain at the moment, I know I will be when Visanne is gone. I also need to process everything that has happened. One step at a time.