The Bottomless Pit Continues – Anorexia Recovery Struggles

Trigger Warning

So after swearing not to eat I felt like such a pig yesterday.
8:30 I took my iron supplement and mixed up a smoothie. I had a bite of a crunchie then put the smoothie away and had lemon with hot water.
Around 9am I went to take my car to be washed and walked around whilst I waited.
10am car was done. I went home and was so hungry so I had my smoothie. All I could think of was the peanut butter and full cream yoghurt in it 😦
When I took my cup to the kitchen a bit later I had a spoon or two of left over chicken curry.
Around 12:45 I started toasting a slice of rice bread but my mum said she needed to pop out to shop quickly before lunch so I decided to wait.
I studied and drank a cup of rooibos with xylitol.
2pm or so she still wasn’t back and I was really hungry so had one slice toast with tuna mayo and cheese and cucumber. Was so hungry that afterwards I had a black cat peanut butter chocolate bar 😦 fail.
Went to my boyfriends around 4:30pm. Had a glass of water. Had a tsp peanut butter and two mouthfuls of Futurelife.
Made some fries around 7pm for supper. I had another two spoons of chicken curry whilst I waited.
Handful of fries, heavily blotted to get oil out, with chutney. Decided not to heat up chicken curry.
Before bed my boyfriend made me half a mug of hot choc, water only.

It’s around 6:30am and I woke up with my tummy empty and gurgling and knotting. I tried to ignore it but no. So now I just had two spoonfuls Futurelife, 1/2 tsp peanut butter and 1 tbsp muesli. Great start.

It’s so much harder to stop when hormones are making you crave. And feel ravenous and dizzy if I don’t eat. Like how I woke up this morning. I feel so fat. I’m living in my black leggings and looser black top because I feel to fat and ugly to wear anything else. Gross flubbery fat rolls on my stomach and wobbly thighs that splay out like dough when I sit down. Could I get any more gross!!

Why did I let myself get here. I need to get back to 54kg and I’ll feel better. 2kgs is easy to lose…I can do this. 

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