I don’t know about you but I’ll be sick of hearing those two words by the end of the day. I think I’m a little sick of them already. It’s a lovely concept but it irks me that clever marketing has sucked half the world into spending money we don’t have to show people we love them on ONE day of the year. My boyfriend and I have no extravagant gifts for one another, we are simply going out for lunch a bit later and spending some quality time together. Which we have been doing more of since the big blow-out in December last year. In fact, we’re happier now than we’ve ever been. The change in both of us has been for the better and we often get comments on how wonderful we are together. It’s a warm fuzzy feeling, lol.
Anyway, this post wasn’t even going to be about Valentines Day, I need to write because I actually feel quite down today. I woke up okay, I think. But after a while I started to get that familiar heavy feeling and then my boyfriend was kissing me and I just couldn’t get myself to respond to what I knew he was trying to achieve. Then I started to tear up and so made some lame excuse about going to shower. He decided to join me so before I hopped in I made another excuse and went to the room to ‘fetch something’ and found myself perched on the end of the bed with my eyes leaking out of my control. I’m searching myself to try and find out why on earth I feel like this today. The only thing I can place is that perhaps my news from the gynae visit on Thursday is only sinking in now. Or perhaps it affected me more than I wanted to admit. I have been making jokes non stop about it which is a bit of a sign.
I did write that I was nervous and excited and hoped she could help me. Well, I am very impressed with her and she really did give me some insight. Basically I have an estrogen sensitivity…I am allergic to being a girl. Yes. That’s right. I am wholly fucking allergic to my female self. This causes a whole host of issues, namely the fact that I don’t get my period because my body doesn’t like to produce estrogen and also why the pills haven’t worked. I also have PCOS. But not the normal type, no that would be too easy. I have some weird form of it caused by the estrogen sensitivity. This also contributes to the fatigue and the constant HSV break outs. And she suspects that I may have endometriosis because of all the pain I was in when I was getting my period but (and here is a positive) not producing estrogen means if I do have it then at least it has not been able to grow or spread. IAs for having children one day, it seems that I won’t be able to conceive naturally. Well, duh, because if I have paper thin uterine lining and my ovaries aren’t working and my body won’t fix it because it hates estrogen…FML.
I actually don’t know what to say any more. I feel like there is some autoimmune thing underlying this all. I mean, no one person can possibly have so many things wrong with their body, can they? And I wasn’t always this bad. I’ve always been sickly yes, but it just seems things are getting worse and worse. One thing after another. My eyesight then my stomach then the rest of my digestive system then my joints then the tingling in my lower legs and arms, then pelvic pain and those issues leading to complete loss of periods and estrogen. Fatigue, dizzy spells, not gaining weight. And I want to try be healthy and work out and eat right, but I have such low self discipline and a complete chocolate addiction.I don’t eat badly but I’m supposed to not have any sugar or grain and yet I still eat chocolate and home-made bread and crunchies. I suppose at least I don’t eat any other sugar or grain. And I have been wanting to tone this disgustingly soft and skinny body but my body is so fatigued that half an hour of yoga has me shaking and dizzy. I get home and it’s all I can do to drag my lead body around until I can go to bed. I sleep like the dead and wake up feeling just as exhausted. But I keep myself going on adrenalin so no one really knows the inner battle that is going on. I seem cheery and energetic and buzzy…but it’s just because if I’m not, if I give in to the heaviness and the exhaustion, I may never get up again.
I feel like I am at the end of my rope today. And yes, there is a huge pity party element to it but it’s Valentines Day and I can’t just spend the day moping in bed. Although nothing would feel better. Gawd I feel so utterly exhausted and it’s not even 12pm yet. If I can just plaster a smile on and keep going until after lunch…