Yes, most of us have them I suppose. For some reason the majority of the male species is incapable of having children and then ACTUALLY successfully raising them as a parent…not just a sperm donor.
I called my dad “The Sperm Donor” for most of my teen years because that’s all he was. My experience of a father was someone who yelled at me, called me stupid, chased me around with a camera screaming how he was going to film me because I look so fucking ugly when I cry, having holes kicked in my door because of his rage, watching him throw and break things or hit my dog with a belt or even sexually abuse my very best friend….yet I saw my friends and some of their fathers and I couldn’t understand how they could hug them or sit on their lap and laugh and tell them about the day. To me it seemed wrong, almost incestuous to have that relationship.
It’s taken a very very long time for me to see my father as a father. I am now 27 and only just having some kind of relationship with him. It’s taken lots of hard work because although he has changed drastically, I had to somehow forgive him for the abuse and for the years of therapy; actually for the majority of the reason I have had mental issues. I can only handle him in small doses though. A few hours every day for a few days and I want to climb up the walls still. I think this is because although he has changed, he has never grown up and he does NOT learn from his mistakes. I have never…and I mean NEVER known anyone who lives in the same bloody circle of mistakes over and over and over and over. An example is money. When I was a kid he had so much debt on credit cards and such that he spent the better part of my teen years paying them off. He also took about 3 or 4 years after I had finished school to pay my school fees off. But in the meantime he could sell a house his friend bought him, a car that had only one month left to be paid off, buy a breaking down convertible and spend about one year of my school fees on it, buy a fancy computer, and so on. Actually I know what it is!! It’s his logic centre in his brain. He does not have one.
The other day I was looking at getting a tablet for university and I was out for breakfast with my dad and he starts getting cross with me because I have a cellphone and a laptop but why on earth do I want a tablet. So I explained, as I had a few times, that my laptop was incredibly heavy and that my cellphone was not really capable of taking notes and such for uni. I also pointed out that not only does he have a fancy laptop and a newish smart phone (which he doesn’t really know how to utilize) but he also has a notebook and recently signed a contract for a tablet…HOW THE ACTUAL FUCK. He looked at me down the end of his nose and said, “Well, I’m 52.” Like THAT had anything at all to do with it. I actually commented on the fact that age was actually not a factor in any of this and then I shut up because there is no point arguing with him because, as I mentioned, he has NO logic centre. 52 and he moans about how he can’t fix his car (which was bought with money from a car his mother had given him…yes, his mother gave him a car because he is so utterly incapable of being responsible…and yet if he sees the word “sale” he will buy 20 cupcake holders, a computer mouse and a kiddies blu-ray disk when he doesn’t bake cupcakes, already has a pc mouse and I don’t even think he has a blu-ray player.
Now this rant was actually brought on because my cellphone contract is in his name, has been since I was 14 and it costs to change it over so we never have. I still get the bills and I pay it and everything, it’s just that if I have any issues with the contract he has to go in and sort it out, which is becoming a pain seeing as I am more of an adult than he is. So I am finally letting my contract go when it expires next month. However he has to give the notice as he is the account holder. I have been asking him to do this for 3 weeks now. I reminded him AGAIN on Friday, fuming inside because yet again I have to play parent, and I said that he must write it down somewhere so that he doesn’t forget. I also said that if he can pay the extra months fees if he doesn’t do it.
I can only remind him so much before I actually feel like I have to go to his house, put him in my effing car and drive him to the store myself. And then explode in anger because I am still coming to terms with the fact that he will NEVER be capable of being a responsible adult. I messaged him this morning to check that he had done it over the weekend like he said and he was like, “oh, to be honest, no I forgot. I’ll go this morning.” OMFG REALLY!!!! WRITE THE SHIT DOWN YOU USELESS FUCKING HUMAN BEING. Jaysus…I cannot believe how angry this gets me. breeeeeaaaathhhe….
My anger comes from a place that just wishes I didn’t have to be the parent. That wishes he could take responsibility for himself. That wishes he learned like most other people do in life. I am learning at least to stop running after him or playing parent wherever I can. Thank you to my boyfriend for this because he once asked me why I do it. It obviously stresses me out. So he said I must just let my father dig his own hole, it’s not my responsibility. It’s tough but I am learning to let go. Now when he buys yet another 10 PC games after complaining the day before about not having money…I just keep quiet. When he mentions how his credit card is looking bad I just boil inside and take deep breaths and think, “NOT my monkey, not my circus.”
Once this contract is over I will have no ties to him in terms of responsibility and I can already feel the weight lifting off my shoulders. Before I go I should probably comment that he is not a bad person. His heart is in the right place and although he doesn’t have money he often offers to help me with my big medical bills, or he will cook a wonderful supper and invite us all around to enjoy it and play some board games. This is just a one sided rant. He isn’t a bad person…he’s just never grown up.