Contemplation – The Year to Come and the Road Travelled

I was going to post yesterday. And then I didn’t. So I thought I’d say something today.

I feel very listless. Stomach is giving me some kind of issue yet again. I thought maybe it was a bug again but I think it may just be a mixture of anxiety and too much wheat which set off my IBS again. Means another sleepless night and it didn’t help that the cat was losing her marbles and attacking the carpet and clawing the couch and kneading the fluffy blanket on the bed and jumping on top of me. I swear someone fed her drugs.

So I’m quite exhausted today and have had nothing but a smoothie and water. In bed looking for a decent day planner for the year. Been scouring Pinterest for ideal placement for a new tattoo.

It’s like 3 hours later…I got distracted. Managed an egg and some oven chips. Funny how salt always seems to help my nausea. But now am hungry still. Argh. I get so tired of trying to figure out what the heck is going on. Feel like a yo-yo pretty much all the time.

So I’ve mostly been thinking about the new year and what this means and what is in store, as I’m sure we all do around this time. I haven’t set any resolutions but rather have just set my goals and have started looking at the steps needed in order to achieve what I would like. We learned this important bit of goal setting technique in the clinic programs I’ve been through. It’s great to set goals but you need to then break them down into manageable chunks. Think: “How do you eat an elephant? Bite by bite.”

So for instance my one goal is to get into university for 2016. Great goal, but now what. So I know I need to start doing maths lessons, I must apply for the RPL in February, then I must put together a portfolio to show my passion and skills, prepare myself for the science challenge test and the National Benchmark Tests and then I must write the tests and hand in the portfolio. I must also query and apply for as many bursaries as I can. And obviously must get the application forms 😛 I just need to write this all down in a structured way and in a bit more order so that I know what step to take and when. Prioritise. I would also like to have a sizeable amount in my savings account by the end of the year, so need to work out a minimum saving each month and also where I can cut costs…like my clothing accounts and love of expensive health foods.

So my goals look something like this:

  • Set up maths lessons and continue working through kahn academy tutorials
  • Sign up for and complete any courses on Coursera.org which will help in my RPL for uni.
  • Apply for and gain acceptance to study my chosen course at university
  • Save up as much money as possible
  • Live life and stop being so afraid (this would be broken down in to things I could do. Like saying yes more often to trying new things, practising mindfulness and breathing techniques, being proactive in doing things on the list I wrote down over 2 years ago and complete the list by the end of the year, etc)
    Actually..that’s a good goal: do everything on my list that I wrote in the clinic all that time ago. I had every intention of going up Table Mountain again, spending the day at Ratanga Junction theme park, do the mini diving course and dive with the sharks at the aquarium, see a sunset from Signal Hill, do the Constantia Nek hike, and so on. I might have to edit this so it fits in with my saving goal though.
  • Pay off my clothing accounts and cancel a few of them
  • Finish writing and publish my recipe book
  • Continue with my goal for healthy living and healing (anorexia recovery, management of chronic illness, yoga. And yes, toning up as I put on some weight again.) I would ideally love to have a 6 pack and some killer legs but I’m not putting that kind of pressure on myself or setting myself up for failure. My main goal is to look after my body and listen to it.
  • Be more positive! For this I want to write down affirmations and post them in little places all over my room. I also want to start a gratitude list, whether I write it down or just take a moment at some point during the day to remember all that I have to be grateful for.

These are all things I am already working on and would like to continue doing and improving. It’s a rough idea of where my focus needs to be and helps channel my normally scattered energy. I’m feeling good about the year. I know it won’t be without it’s challenges and I know it’s going to be one where I put my head down and just do what I need to. I have a feeling it’s going to be a year of building a great foundation for the next steps in my life. The last two years have been about finding my own feet, rediscovering who I am and digging the trenches for this foundation. My relationship seems to be stable again too which is awesome. I really am proud of how I handled the almost break up and of how I brought out the courage in my partner to not just give up but to take a look at himself too and to see how we both contributed to a breakdown in communication. I am also amazed at how, although it hurt so much and I wanted to self destruct a lot, I was in touch with an inner strength that I wasn’t even aware I had grown. I seem to have this Borderline thing more sorted than I thought. Over 2 years medication free and I’m able to manage it more than ever before.

So I say well done to me, for 2014 was a year of substantial self-growth and dealing with old behaviour patterns as they popped up to be faced, and perhaps to be laid to rest. I had a friend of mine on NYE say how this year he has seen me transform. How I was like a spinning top without a centre and now I have this strong, inner core that is guiding me. How I have found my axis. I liked this; it was really good to hear that what I feel inside has also been translating into my outside world.

Here’s to a new year and to new growth. And well done everyone for making it through another year 🙂

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