Arghrgh

I may be dying…ok, not quite, lol. But I feel bloody dreadful.

I’m stuck in the loo after nearly a week of not going (Christmas day IBS) and am wracked with cramps. Add mild nausea, weakness and shaking. And a horrific herpes outbreak. And the antivirals side effects. And pelvic pain which started up yesterday again along with needing to pee aaalll the time.

My skin feels like it’s burning but my body temperature is low…for most of the day I’ve had a fan blowing whilst huddled in a nest of duvet and pillows.
So yes. I’m not feeling to great. I’m just so glad I’m on leave so that I can stay in bed all day! Near a loo. Lol. I really do have to laugh because seeing the dark humour in things like this keeps me from wallowing. “Just another one of those days.”

My partner made a comment, when we had that serious chat not so long ago, that I make it sound like I’m dying when his mother just went through chemo and didn’t make as much fuss. Ok, so I’m a tad dramatic, I’m a storyteller, it’s what I do. In ancient times I was the one weaving tales around the bonfire. Now I weave tales on a blog or in dramatic and animated stories to friends. Anyway, point is that he also commented again on how I’ve created all this sickness. It’s days like today where it really hits home. Where I suddenly go…does he truly believe that. I remember commenting on what a big scene he made when he had a lump removed not so long ago. We all had to wait on him for weeks. Everything hurt and he was tired and anxious about people bumping his wound. So in that convo we had I remember saying, “well imagine having that for 2 years.” Maybe not 2 years straight but on and off, striking without warning, not being able to rest in bed for a week. And when it happens no one waits on me hand and foot. I have to just keep going.

Why do people find it so hard to understand chronic illness? Sure I don’t have cancer and I won’t die from this. But how is my nausea and pain and fatigue any less than that of chemo side effects? It’s all relative. Most people don’t even feel pain or know that they have cancer until the doctors accidentally pick it up. Imagine being in some level of discomfort every single fucking day and having no one understand.  At least with cancer people have sympathy and understand. Chronic illness means either being ignored, told to suck it up or being told “it’s all in your head” a gazillion times.

I don’t know how everyone feels, and maybe I’m being insensitive.  But people have been nothing but insensitive to me since day one. I’m lying in bed weighing 52kgs, less than when I was actively anorexic. I’m wondering if my slip into anorexia had masked some weight loss or if it’s damaged my system. Although last time I was actively restricting for a year or so before being admitted for recovery and I never had any of these issues.

I’m rambling. And I’m tired. I’m going to snuggle my pillow and wallow in some anger, lol.  But not forever. I have to go pick my partner up as his car is not starting. That’s about an hour of driving. I haven’t even told him how sick I am today. He won’t believe me anyway. No one does.

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